The New Journey Begins

We submitted our pre-application to the adoption agency along with our application fee today. We are on our way!!

Next big thing to work on is to secure a home equity line of credit so we will be able to sign over large amounts of money as they are needed and all of the interest is tax deductible. We have been in our home for several years and luckily it has gained well in value. A home is your best investment, right?

I am very excited - I feel like I am finally moving in a positive direction!

And more about positive directions.... I have gotten in a walk every night this week. I love walking around the neighborhood and seeing everyone's holiday decorations. This is the best time of year. One on hand it reminds me that it is another year gone by without a child in my arms. On the other hand, I am elated to know that we just might have a child in our home by this time next year. It could happen! Christmas wishes do come true!

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

This was posted to one of our online groups and I think it is beautifully written. The author is unknown but hopefully I can thank the author by sharing it.

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

It's All About Me!

This is what I told my acupuncturist yesterday at our session. I am taking my life back - starting now!!

As our TTC journey is winding down, I am going to be more selfish. I am going to drink wine with dinner and enjoy coffee in the morning. I am going to eat cold cut sandwiches with slices of cheese. I am going to take medicine when I have a headache or don't feel well. I am going to loose some serious weight. I am going to let the water in the bath tub get a little hotter. On our cruise in January, I'm even going to get IN the hot tub and I'm going to be sipping cocktails in the Caribbean while I'm soaking! All of these things I did not do for years while trying to get pregnant. Well I want it all back.

I'm not going to feel guilty about getting my hair colored. I won't worry about scheduling trips on the slight chance that I might be pregnant. I'm not going to beat myself up about missing a night of taking my vitamins. I won't worry about how to train myself to sleep on my left side because it is better for the baby. I can slather on body lotion and not care so much what chemicals I am putting on my body (well, this is still a big point with me so I will probably still care).

I'm sure some people would call all of this obessive and maybe it was. I really thought I was doing the best thing possible. I once had a friend that told me that obsession is "what the uncommited and weak refuse to do". Pretty true if you ask me.

So yesterday at my acupuncture session, all fertility treatments went out the window. I got to keep all my clothes on! We focused on my weight loss and emotional eating. I told S that it's all about me and she laughed, but she is very proud of me. She has been with me through this long and emotional journey. At one point, S told me that she was very sad that I had not achieved my goal become pregnant. I said my goal is not be pregnant, but to have a family. Maybe we are going to need some outside help to have that dream come true. Who knows what will happen down the road - that is not for us to know.

I have been walking every night, this is my new habit I'm trying to establish. The dog is going with me if she likes it or not. She gets very excited when I ask her if she wants to go "walking" but then hangs her head when I put on her harness. I'm sure she'd like to walk free, and she does a good job of it because she listens, but I don't want her to get hurt. I guess she'll get used to it if she wants to go with me!

One Holiday Down

Thanksgiving went off without any major problems! No china was broken in the process. I forgot to take a picture of my set table because when it was ready to go, we sat down and ate! I can see using the same linens again (a burgandy stripe table cloth) so I'm sure I'll see the same table setup again!

This was also the weekend of the big clean out! Bill and I went through every kitchen cabinet and purged a ton of stuff. Since we needed to clean out one whole cabinet to store our new china, other things had to go. My parents had bought us 2 sets of casual dinnerware that we were using as our "good" stuff. Now that is our everyday plates and we got rid of the cafeware that we had been using and we are no longer using our Tupperware plates. It feels like we are real adults now - LOL! My brother is the lucky recipient of most of our old dinnerware as it matches his dishes too. We also purged an old food steamer, which one of our friends is eyeing, and an electric juicer. We had the best intentions to use it but we know now that it is so much better to eat the whole fruit with the fiber than just drinking the juice.

Our Christmas tree went up and it absolutely glows with it's 1500 lights. I hope it doesn't catch the house on fire - that would be bad! Bill wired lights on to our tree 2 years ago with the thought that we can just unfold it and plug it in. That is exactly what happened - no bad strands! The tree needed quite a bit of "fluffing" and it is very scratchy but now it is all decorated. I am enjoying my holiday candles sitting out and hopefully I just remember to light them! My best friend got me hooked on Gold Canyon Candles and they really do smell more than the Yankee ones. I just got some new ones - Vanilla Cinnamon and Holiday Wreath. Yummy!

Christmas is going to be at my parent's house this year... so I have done my holiday hosting for the year. We'll probably have some friends over for dinner, but that is the norm. No more big family parties at our house in the near future. On the 23rd, we'll be at Epcot since my mom is singing in the Candlelight Processional. I am looking forward to that - I love Disney at Christmas time. They always go all out on the decorating and we always have a great time spending time as a family. My brother will also be coming and he is in charge of the dinner reservations!

Purdue has accepted a bowl game in Orlando on December 29th. Better get that day off as we are trying to get tickets for that! Go Boilers!!

So Who Is Little Roo?

Well... I don't even know *who* Little Roo is yet.

Little Roo is our child.

I've asked God to bring me Little Roo. I've asked my OB/GYN, Chiropractor, Acupuncturist, and Reproductive Endocronologist to help me get Little Roo. But so far, no luck.

I must say that I've always wanted to be a mom. It has been my secret passion for as long as I can remember. I always took for granted that when Bill and I were ready for Little Roo, then we'd have one just like everyone does. No one in my family appears to have any fertility problems, so certainly it would never happen to me. But it has.

Bill and I are planners. We wanted to be prepared in everyway possible to be ready for Little Roo. We got a dog, the perfect pal for Little Roo. Then we got a cat, well only because she needed a safe home and she has turned out to be dog's little friend. We bought Little Roo a house and painted a waiting bedroom the happiest shade of blue. Then we bought Little Roo a safe vehicle to ride around in. We've read books and talked to other parents about raising a Little Roo. We made sure dog was gentle with any Little Roo. We bought Little Roo presents of books and blankets and toys.

We were ready for Little Roo. So we eagerly waited.

And we waited. This month would be the perfect time for Little Roo, we'd say. But each time, we'd be disappointed. We went on far away vacations and surely Little Roo likes vacations too, and would appear then. But Little Roo did not.

And we waited some more. Surely Little Roo likes birthdays and anniversaries and holidays, and would appear on a special date. But Little Roo did not.

We tried to forget about Little Roo and all the waiting. Surely Little Roo likes surprises and would come when we least expected it. But Little Roo did not.

So we are still waiting. We talk about Little Roo every day and imagine all the things we'd like to do when Little Roo is here.

Why does our family feel so empty? Why does my heart ache?

OK, so this was my true confession and it's out for all to know. We've kept this big secret regarding trying to conceive for years as we would have liked nothing more than to completely surprise our family with a "We're pregnant!!". I don't want to keep it a secret any more as much as it scares me. I don't like answering questions about when we are having a family with "it's not the right time yet". It is the right time but things are not working out in our favor.

So Little Roo - where are you??

Thankfully Getting Started

Hi and welcome to my little spot in the world!

Thanksgiving is just a few days away and I desperately need to clean my house for all the family coming over for dinner! Actually, the house isn't bad, it needs it's normal straightening and pet hair pick up. That part never ends....

What's on the menu???

• Rotisseried fresh turkey injected with garlic and spices


• Sauteed green beans with nutmeg


• Roasted fingerling potatoes


• Gravy with mushrooms


• Big green salad


• Sage stuffing


• Peas with pearl onions


• Yeast rolls


• Bill's famous fresh pumpkin pie!

I'm sure I've forgotten something! We will be using our brand new china and silverware for the first time. It's all washed and ready to go. Bill and I did not purchase any china when we were married 7.5 years ago, probably because we were so young we didn't know what we would do with it! We ran across a platinum-edged set from Noritake (Kingswood) that we just fell in love with and bought 16 place settings! It has scalloped black accent plates really make it pop. Bill talked me into two sets.... I am so lucky! I'll have to take pictures of the table once it is all set up. I'm sure it will be beautiful!