Christmas Blessings

I haven't posted anything in a while! We hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!

Bill and I were at my parents house with my brother and uncle for the weekend preceeding Christmas day. As I've mentioned before - my parents love decorating for Christmas and we got to enjoy it without all the work! We took our AeroBed with us and it was a tight squeeze in my old bedroom!

I was going through the pictures on my mom's computer to see if she had any that we could use for our family profile. I found one of me holding a stuffed little roo! It must have been when we were at the Magic Kingdom earlier in the fall. I think it's perfect to use for my profile picture. Who knew??

We all went to mass on Sunday morning and we were picked to be the gift family. That was pretty neat and the priest that said mass was the same person that married us over 7 years ago. He said he was happy to see us and Bill got to tell him about our Ireland trip last year. My mom made a wonderful dinner for Christmas Eve since we were heading out the next morning to make it over to Bill's parent's house for Christmas dinner. Bill was put to work and helped my dad hang coach lights beside the garage door. Of course, we had "A Christmas Story" on since TBS does a 24 hour marathon! I took a lot of pictures - mainly of my parent's cat! I love photographing pets.

We had some bad rain driving back home and in some places we had to drive very slow because it was very hard to see. Bill and I exchanged our gifts and then we were off driving again! Bill's dad made Christmas dinner and we got our Biscuit back again. She had a little vacation of her own staying with the in-laws and their 2 dogs. She'll be going back there this weekend as we are headed back to Orlando to see Purdue play in a bowl game on Friday night.

Luckily it has been very quiet this week at work, and it is our only downtime of the whole year in production support land. Most people are gone so we truly have a skeleton crew around here. We have made very good progress on finishing our documents for the home study. We signed all the papers last night and now we are waiting to schedule our home visit with our social worker. She is going to call me today and we are going to arrange a day to meet. We started our adoption journey officially just a month ago and I think we have come very far in a short period of time. We are waiting for our reference letters to come back from our friends, but we can get started on the home visit before those are back. Our SW said that will give her an opportunity to start on the written report that she is responsible for.

This is very exciting!!

Bill did buy a present for Little Roo..... it is very sweet and soft! My MIL also gave us a pewter baby dish and matching spoon that had ducks on it. We ourselves are not going to go crazy in the buying mode anytime soon for baby stuff. We have at least decided to make it through the home study and then probably get a few basic items so we will feel somewhat prepared.

Article About Relationships

Being a Good Friend to Someone Struggling with Fertility
By Jen Jobart November 18th, 2006

You may know someone who is experiencing infertility: perhaps someone you work with, an old friend from high school, or someone from your book club. While infertility is a tremendously difficult experince for those going through it, it can also be challenging for friends and family to know what to say - and what not to say - in order to be a good friend.

Over the past few years, I’ve come to realize that I am one of the millions of women struggling with infertility. It takes a special person to be a good friend to me right now, or to anyone who is having trouble becoming or staying pregnant. Our friends have to participate in endless conversations about cervical mucus quality, watch us analyze variations in basal body temperatures, and sit through slideshows of our laparoscopy photos. (Just kidding about the slideshows - most of the time.)

I’ve been trying, unsuccessfully, to get pregnant for far longer than I ever thought was possible. It’s been hell. I consider myself a fairly thick-skinned person, but because of what I’m going through, the tiniest things can really set me off. And there are things I hear on a regular basis that are infuriating and sometimes even hurtful. Every time I hear them, I want to tear my hair out. There’s a good chance your friend feels the same way.

I know it’s hard to work out what to say to someone who’s grappling with infertility, and to choose the right time to say it. And of course, every person is different. Things that upset me might not bother your friend, and things I don’t mind hearing might drive her crazy. I trust that you’ll do the best you can to be sensitive to her needs, even if it goes against everything I say here.

That said, I’ve written up a list of the clichés and uninformed comments I wish people would stop saying to me. Hopefully this list will make it easier to avoid landmines in conversations with your friend. After I’ve explained why I don’t like hearing those phrases, I talk about other things that are helpful to say and do. And finally, I give my two cents about a touchy issue – how to tell an infertile person that you’re pregnant.

Things not to say

There are some standard catchphrases and suggestions that people who are not familiar with the struggles of infertility seem to trot out on a regular basis. Despite the fact that they are said often, they are not good things to hear.

“Just relax and it will happen”

Infertility is a diagnosable medical condition. It is not a state of mind. Granted, relaxing is never a bad idea. But relaxing, in and of itself, does not cure medical conditions such as cancer. Nor does it cure infertility.

Every time someone tells me to relax, it actually just makes me more stressed out. Even though I know better, I think “If only I could relax, I could get pregnant!” And then I get stressed out because I’m not relaxed. It’s a vicious circle.

As one of my friends says, anyone who tells people struggling with infertility to “Just relax,” no matter how potentially medically justified, should be forced to take a dump while someone stands beside them hollering “Just shit!”

“Maybe you’re just not meant to be parents.”

Would you tell a person with cancer that their disease is a “sign” they aren’t meant to live?

“Why don’t you just adopt?”

My struggles with fertility have taught me that it is much more important to me than I realized to know what it’s like to grow a human being inside of me. To feel a baby suckling at my breast. To watch a child grow up who shares my husband’s and my features and personality traits, and know that we made that child together.

On a practical note, adoption can cost many thousands of dollars - between 15 and 45 thousand, according to the research I’ve done. It can take very a long time – 2 years or more. The adoption process involves an incredible amount of paperwork, questions about every aspect of your life, more waiting, and the potential for more heartache if a birth mother changes her mind. Yes, we will adopt, when we’re ready, but we’re not. I’d rather not have to defend my reticence for now.

If I do finally decide to move on to adoption, please don’t tell me stories about how other people have gotten pregnant right after signing up to adopt. It’s extremely unlikely that that will happen to me.

“Try to enjoy the process.”

Taking my temperature the moment I wake up and peeing on ovulation prediction sticks every morning to figure out where I am in my cycle isn’t a lot of fun. And having day after day of timed sex in the middle of the week when you’re tired from work and aren’t in the mood isn’t exactly the same thing as having spontaneous romantic sex. Even if making a baby was sexy and exciting at the start, it certainly isn’t any more.

“I think you should…” or “All you need to do is…”

The only people I want to hear these phrases from are doctors, people going through the same process, or people I’ve asked. Please don’t give unsolicited advice.

“God, I wish I could have a baby for you!”

While my better self is pleased that you are so fertile, I’d prefer to have a baby on my own for the reasons I shared above. And I do understand that what you are trying to say is “I feel terrible for you and wish there was something I could do to fix it”. But if that’s what you mean, just say something to that effect. No offers of uterus-loaning required.

“It’ll happen.”

This is a corollary of “just relax.” Some people find this reassuring. I don’t. You don’t actually know that it will happen for us. While I understand that you feel optimistic, it doesn’t really change my situation.

“You know, my friend’s cousin took this pill, and…”

Chances are, if you know someone who knows someone who’s tried acupuncture/Clomid/just relaxing/Robitussin to increase cervical mucus production, I’ve heard of that process/drug/trick/remedy too. Perhaps I’ve even tried it myself. Again, if you’re not a professional or someone I’ve asked for help, please don’t give advice.

“Have you seen a doctor?”

Unless you are my very best friend and you know for a fact I haven’t seen a doctor, and you know I’ve been trying to conceive for a while, and you are fairly sure I have no idea that there are doctors out there who deal with this kind of thing, please don’t ask this question. Yes, I’ve been to a doctor. And if I haven’t, it’s because I’m not ready to deal with it. When I’m ready, I know how to make an appointment.

“Those really aren’t miscarriages, you know. They happen to everyone.”

I know that early pregnancy testing makes it possible to detect pregnancies that would otherwise have gone undetected (sometimes called chemical pregnancies). Telling me that it happens to everyone, that it probably happened to you several times (but you just didn’t test early) isn’t helpful. I tested early; I was hopeful; the pregnancy didn’t continue. Plenty of people get pregnant and stay pregnant, and I’m not one of them.

Telling me that I should just stop testing early isn’t helpful either. After an early pregnancy or two, I can tell when I’m pregnant even before testing. And it can be helpful for me and/or my doctor to know when and how things fall apart, so the early testing might be something I’m doing as part of my fertility treatment.

“Take my kids. You might change your mind about whether you want any.”

Do not EVER offer me your children, even jokingly. This is degrading to your children and to your gift of parenthood. It’s also the opposite of being supportive and sensitive to my situation. I know parenting can be incredibly difficult sometimes. But like you, I’ve decided I want to experience pregnancy and parenthood. Please don’t talk about it like it’s no big deal. It is to me.

“You seem really different these days.”

I know that what I say and how I act may change from day to day and from month to month. Don’t assume that my current state of mind is any indication of a permanent personality trait or change. I’m experiencing a deeply painful set of circumstances that are completely beyond my control. The things I say right now are a reflection of how I am feeling, not who I am.

“Are you seeing a therapist?”

Unless I regularly talk to you about my mental health, please don’t question my coping skills either directly or indirectly (by asking me if I’m seeing a therapist, or suggesting books on how to deal with things.) If I’m not curled up in the fetal position in the corner, I’m using coping strategies that work for me.

Also, don’t be surprised if you hear me refer to my situation black humor or sarcasm. These are normal coping mechanisms, not indications that I need help.

My caveat applies here: you know your friend better than I do. If you’re truly worried for her, and she’s not the take-charge type, it may be best to check in with her from time to time.

“Don’t you think you should be over this by now?”

The grieving process for infertility is particularly hard because those who go through it are forced to come to terms with their loss every month. We just about pick up the pieces of our lives, and then we get our period again. Everyone grieves differently, and everyone takes a different length of time to work through the stages of accepting loss. Also, please remember that anger is a normal and healthy stage of grief. Appropriately expressed anger is far healthier than pent up, unexpressed anger.

Things that are nice to hear

Just like there are things I hear often that are not helpful, there are things it would be nice to hear that I don’t hear often enough.

“How are things going?”

If I’ve told a friend that I’ve had trouble getting pregnant, I really appreciate when they ask how it’s going from time to time, in a low-key way. Email works best for me, because then I can deal with any emotional responses privately. Just a “What’s new on the baby front” kind of sentence is great. If I don’t feel like responding, it’s not a good idea to push it. But it helps to know that people are thinking about me and want to know how things are going.

If such an email or comment sparks me to talk, it’s best when my friends just listen and are supportive - whatever I’m in the mood to talk about. My friends have learned that what I say can change drastically from day to day. That’s what my moods are doing, so my conversation topics usually follow suit.

“Are you doing okay?”

It’s really important for people to ask me how I’m holding up. There’s rarely any news on the baby front, and even if by some miracle I do manage to get and stay pregnant, I might not want to tell anyone about it for several months. But how I’m doing emotionally… it does me so much good to talk about that, and hardly anyone thinks to ask. You’d be a true friend if you did.

If there are unexpected babies/pregnant women around, it’s nice when my friends keep an eye out for me, knowing I might need to bail. But please don’t check on me afterwards if I seem to be acting normally. It’s nice to have someone watching your back, but often it’s just easier to pretend that nothing happened. Personally, I don’t want or need to process every encounter. I just want out.

“Want to grab a drink sometime?”

I really appreciate the people who can just keep being my friend, same as always, when I’m up for it. Sometimes it’s possible to feel normal, and if my friends can conveniently forget the fact that I’ve been a recluse for a while, we usually have a really good time. It’s hard to predict when these times will come, but if you can avoid mentioning the multiple personalities, it’s much more likely.

"I recently found out I’m pregnant. What’s the best way to break the news to my friend?"

It can be difficult for me to see or be around pregnant women or babies. The birth of a new baby is certainly an occasion for joy, but it’s also a painful reminder of something I desperately want to experience but can’t.

Some people have no problem hearing news of their friends’ pregnancies, and don’t take it badly at all. Others have a really hard time with pregnancy announcements. As always, you’re the best judge of your friend’s situation. If you’re not completely sure that she will have no problems whatsoever with your announcement, you may wish to tread lightly.

Here is how I’d prefer that you break the good news to me:

Email is best, because it gives me time to process the news. If email is not possible, a phone call is the next best option. Understand that, regardless of what my reaction might be, I am very happy for you, especially if you’re a person I care about; I’m just sad for myself.

Just tell me once, and then try not to talk about it unless I bring it up. I know it’s an important time for you, as well it should be, but hopefully there are other people in your life who can be your support group, and who will have unbridled enthusiasm for you. I am not that person right now.

Most of all, please do not complain to me about being pregnant. I would give my right arm and be seriously morning sick for 9 months straight if I knew it would give me a chance to have a baby. I have zero tolerance for pregnancy complaints.

Please don’t take it personally if I don’t come to your baby shower, or if I’m not around as much as I used to be. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I just can’t handle showers and baby stuff right now.

If I do find the strength to come and visit, hold your baby, send you a gift, talk to you about your pregnancy, or look at your baby photos, please understand that even if I’m making it seem like no big deal, it takes everything I’ve got and more. I will probably go home and cry, for hours or days. I don’t want you to feel hurt or worry about me; I just want you to recognize that the time I spend with you and your baby speaks volumes about how much I care about you.

I hope that what I’ve shared here helps you find the right words to support and comfort your friend. Most of all, I want you to know that your friend needs you, your support, your patience and your forgiveness more than ever right now. If she’s anything like me, she doesn’t want you to fix things for her, or to ‘handle’ her or her emotions. She just wants you to try to understand.

Although it may seem like there isn’t anything you could possibly say that would be right, please don’t avoid your friend, or walk on eggshells around her. And even if you screw up from time to time, please keep trying.

Finally, if you can’t be comfortable around your friend, please let her know honestly and gracefully that you need to step back from the friendship for awhile. It might hurt now, but in the future she’ll appreciate it. You can forgive each other for any misunderstandings when this is all over.

Tuck And Roll!

Wow - I can't believe that Christmas is so close.... less than a week away!

I have been getting some calls and emails about our Christmas cards we sent out so I'd like to say "HI!" to anyone that has logged in to see what we are up to today!!

Our last package was shipped out on Saturday and we only had to stand in line for 30 minutes! We addressed the last few cards to send out to friends and we're done! Well, I'm done.... Bill is still shopping and brave enough to enter the malls. He is tougher than me, that's for sure.

Saturday we went to our friend's annual Christmas party and gift exchange. They have a pretty big family and they are Italian so there was lots of food!! I actually had pager for work on Saturday but one of my co-workers covered for me while I was out so we didn't go until later in the evening. Most people started leaving fairly early, for a party anyway, and we helped get their house back together. These are our cruise buddies too, so we are pretty close to say the least. We brought all our gifts for the family and I officially have another Bare Escentuals convert!

The last time they were over at our house, I gave T a "make-under". I'm kicking myself now for not taking any pictures because she was absolutely glowing. She doesn't wear a lot of makeup to begin with and this just lit her face up - she was gorgeous! We have been talking about BE for a long time now and I had got a few pots for her during the year that I was saving for Christmas. When I did her make-under, I used the same colors that I was going to give to her and I made the perfect choices. I gave her everything to do her face up in a BE bag with a cruise ship on it... perfect - I know! She was so excited.

Our friends are very supportive of our adoption plans and we asked them if they would mind writing one of our reference letters for us. I never wanted to assume that anyone would write one for us, but they said they would love to! They have assured us that they will be babysitting for us and that we should not come over if we don't bring Little Roo with us!

We had to leave the party because I had to get back home to do an install at midnight. I didn't plan on the install going very well, and it didn't as expected. I got to bed around 4am. Oh well, this is why I get paid the big bucks. Well, this is what I tell myself anyway. The next afternoon T left me the nicest message ever on my cell phone thanking me for the BE. I was so happy that she was so thrilled. She said she was just glowing and that everything looks so beautiful on her. Her husband doesn't think she needs makeup, and really she doesn't, but it enhances her. You can see the confidence and I think that anything that makes you feel better about yourself is a bonus. I'll have to plan my BE for the cruise carefully.... I'm sure we'll be playing quite a bit in my stash!

We worked some more on our next mountain of paperwork and gave out the rest of our reference letter forms. We decided to ask friends and not get referrals from family since they would probably say nice things about us anyway. Well, we did ask Bill's cousin to write one for us, but they have young children that we have been around recently so we knew that would help our cause. Actually it was their children that gave Bill the final tug on the heart to go forward with adoption and not turn back. So it seemed natural to ask them to help us! I got the letters sent out that needed to be mailed. One of my co-workers is writing one for us since we know each other so well. We've worked together for almost 7 years and we have seen their family grow over the years. The other letters went to our close friends who are happy to help us out in any way possible. We are so lucky to have so many people that love us.

Another trip to the county jail this morning! Hahaha!! I had talked to our social worker for the homestudy and the on-line background checks we did only went back 5 years. We needed something better even though our instructions said we could do the print-outs. Oh well. We know this is bound to happen and we are just going to tuck and roll with it. We know it is not a big deal and they are very quick and helping everyone that is waiting for something. The clerk took our ID's and came back in about 3 minutes with our reports on official letterhead from the county sheriff. Can't get any better than that. Here's the really funny part.... she charged me $0.30 total for both reports!! I guess I have gotten used to shelling out a lot more money for any part of this adoption work. I'm probably NOT going to itemize this $0.30 charge on our taxes!

We have gotten our employment verifications done, our new insurance cards showed up earlier than expected, and all our licenses and certificates have been copied for our growing file. I had an appointment with my normal physician Dr. N to sign the physician's report that I am healthy enough to be a parent. I think it is pretty funny all the things that adoptive parents have to do to prove they are mature adults to be parents when any yahoo with a car seat installed in their vehicle can take a baby home from the hospital with no questions asked. Well, I think it is funny now.... not too long ago it made me pretty angry. This is the path we are taken so we do it but Dr. N and I had a pretty funny conversation about it. She has signed these forms for people in the past. Dr. N means well, but she tells me that she knows that I will instantly become pregnant now because we are going through this whole process. Then I guess we will be blessed with two babies! Good for us and we'll be done! She filled out my form and laughed at the questions and I was on my way. Bill goes in next week to have his filled out by his doctor in the same practice. We are always able to get appointments pretty quickly and we don't have to wait months to be seen for routine things. They only thing they have a hard time doing are referrals and stuff like that, but now we have a PPO plan at the start of the year, so that will be done with.

So we are really rocking and rolling with all our paperwork. We hope that we will have our in-home visit right after the beginning of the year and we'll be just that much closer to having our baby. Over the Christmas holiday, we'll be at my parents and I need to collect some pictures from my dad's camera that he has taken of us. I'm sure there are some good ones that we can use for our family profile. We have to look as cute and fun as possible!

OK, true confession time.... I was off from work on Monday. I cleaned up the house and ran a few errands. I went to Babies-R-Us. In the past, I have avoided that place at all costs. I think I did go in there once to get a baby gift for someone, but it was years ago. My real intention of going there is because they are a Britax dealer and I wanted to see the Companion infant seat in person. I am going to buy a good baby seat for obvious reasons but I wanted to see it for real. The cheap seats seem very scary to be in an accident with. They didn't have it, they only had the convertible ones which we will still eventually buy but I won't put a young infant in one as I don't believe there is enough padding to keep them from bouncing around. We'll probably need 2 carseats anyway. I was a little disappointed but I decided to check out the rest of the store.

I found the Dr. Brown's bottles that my friend K told me to get and yes, they cost a little more but if they have the benefits they claim, I'll pay it. They had a wall of formula but I didn't spend much time there. Never did I think I was going to be buying formula, but this is a reality now. I'll do more research and figure that out later, but there literally was a whole wall of cans. Yikes! I skipped the diapers too. The strollers were back by the car seats and of course, they don't have the Britax strollers either that fit the Companion. Again, some of the travel systems are nice, but the car seats that come with it really scare me that people put their babies in those. But this is part of being a parent, and you make these choices to the best of your ability. We will buy a jogging stroller but you can't put a young baby in that either since they have to be able to sit up and have neck control. Next I walked through the pack-n-play aisle. I don't see how anyone, big or little, would be comfortable sleeping on the board covered with a bare minimum of fabric and padding. I know you don't want it to get squishy, but geez. I left there pretty quickly after I ran into all the bouncy seats. They all make music and sounds - it was a little overwhelming.

I think I went and looked at the crib bedding next. I'm not sure how much we are going to purchase before the adoption takes place, but we have discussed purchasing the car seat and a baby bed since there is a possibility that we will be asked to travel very quickly without much notice (48 hours). Realistically, there is time to purchase some items like diapers, formula, etc. I probably will have some sort of bag ready with a few onsies and such that are washed and ready. I don't see how to do some of these things when you are far from home and in a hotel. We'll probably start doing this after our homestudy is completed or we are on active status with the agency. I'll be able to watch for sales and whatnot. Anyway, the bedding section was even crazier! Some are cute, some are ugly, but most are so darn expensive! Yes, the crib quilts are so cute and they match the bumpers and the bed skirt, but who in their right mind would put the quilt and the baby together? That's a recipe for disaster and ruining the nice pretty quilt.

I'm not even going to go into the actual crib.... most are the convertible ones that turn into adult beds later so they are more expensive because of this. I have my old bed that my parents bought for me when I was 3 and that is waiting for our child. It's a good concept I guess, but yikes. Parents can literally spend a fortune in this store on all this "stuff". I had lunch with K yesterday and I told her about my stroll through Babies-R-Us. The best word I had to describe the whole store is "excessive". It seems like so much. K has 2 young children and she wants to go shopping with me. She is my "mommy advisor" and can tell me what you really get use out of and what you don't. A lot of it I know, but she turned me on to the Dr. Brown's bottles which I didn't know anything about. This is going to be an interesting ride!

Intoxicated People In Large Groups

Bill had his company Christmas party on Friday night. The partners of the business rented a limo to drive us all around to dinner and then bar hopping afterwards. It sounds like a good plan in theory. We showed up to his co-worker's (L) house when we were supposed to and left my truck at her place. A *huge* stretch Ford Excursion picked us up and took us off to dinner.

First of all, the reason why we have a limo to begin with is because all of these people are big drinkers. Me... not so much. Last year's party ended up with people taking cabs home because there was too much fun going on. As soon as the limo left L's house, the drinks started flowing and we're just driving down the street to the restaurant! Dinner was pretty good... not really my kind of place, but it's a trendy place in South Tampa. Bill and I ordered mohito's because we never had them before and everytime we think to order one, where we are doesn't make them fresh. I wasn't too impressed. The beginning of the sip hits you with sweet and mint, the end of the sip tastes like gasoline. Yuck! I even had a raspberry mohito hoping the fruit juice would tame some of the alcohol taste... no such luck. We ordered what we were wanting to share and of course there was a lot of seafood on the menu. It was very difficult to hear everyone because we were in a converted cigar factory building and my salad ended up being stolen by "Miss Thing" because I wasn't fast enough when the waiter came out with it.

Miss Thing is the date of Bill's co-worker J. She had fake plastic hair extensions and of course, she's a bleached blonde. I thought she had some other fake "assets" but later in the evening she was telling and SHOWING everyone that her girls were indeed real. Within 15 minutes, J was pretty annoyed by her and she was talking about how much she wanted kids and blah blah blah. Unfortunately I was sitting close to her at dinner so I got to hear it all. I spent most of dinner laughing to myself because it is hard for me to believe that anyone is THAT dumb. It has to be an act.

Dinner led to the bar upstairs for more drinks. There was not a bloody mary to be found in the place and didn't have my ginger ale as a stand-by so I sat that one out. Everyone was starting to get a little tipsy by now. My coworker told me to not worry about drinking and to enjoy watching everyone else getting trashed and they won't even notice that I was not drinking. Usually I am not concerned by anything this trivial, but for the past week, it has been a topic every night when Bill has gotten home from work. Apparently everyone was extremely concerned that I would probably not be drinking and for the life of me, I can't figure out why anyone even cares. Clearly I would not have fun if I weren't drinking... puh-leeze. And now that everyone knows that we are adopting, I can't use my normal excuse of not drinking because there is a CHANCE I might be pregnant.

After Miss Thing cried that she was getting cold because she barely had a shirt one, we piled into the limo and it was off to the next bar. Bill's boss ordered me a bloody mary and I was happy to start drinking it. Miss Thing's act was starting to annoy me and it wasn't so funny any more. She was desperately trying to get some attention. I took a table with boss' wife (BW) and we have always gotten along very well. Their first child is adopted so we talked a lot about that. We both had about 3 sips of our drinks when Miss Thing came over with shot glasses of something for us. I didn't really care what it was, I wasn't going to drink it and neither was BW. She was pretty out of it already and then we got to hear her big story about how she was going to be turning 30 in January and she was so depressed. She went on and on and on.... BW and I just looked at each other and I hoped I could wiggle my nose and she would disappear. I still don't believe she is going to be 30... more like 40. Maybe that is what happens to you when you are big party person. BW and I are the same age so we thought it was pretty comical that she looks much older than either of us when she isn't! It's probably pretty horrible of me that I'm even talking about her, but this is my blog.... someday I will come back to read this and I'll be still laughing about this night.

I had about 2 more sips of my bloody mary when we were ordered to move onto the next bar. Uh.... OK, glad I didn't pay for these drinks. I'm sure it was around 9pm at this point. There was a lot of night left. So we went to the next place. I got a ginger ale and decided to enjoy the rest of the show. Things were just starting to get interesting. BW and I were still trying to continue our conversation. Bill was having a good time with all his co-workers. I can tell they really like him a lot. Miss Thing was feeling a little left out and decided this was the perfect time to show everyone her thong. I'm sorry but if you're a lady, you don't do this. Especially not in front of your date's bosses and co-workers. Have some class. She's from Manhattan I found out and silly me, I had expected someone much more mature. I was thinking we all been out of college for a long enough time.

Then we piled into the limo for yet another bar. I was still doing OK at this point, but I knew that I was probably coming to my limit of dealing with intoxicated idiots at some point fairly quickly. Our group was still doing fine, with the exception of Miss Thing, and they are all our friends so of course, I was keeping an eye on everyone. It was all the other idiots that I was worried about. Bill's boss got me another ginger ale and I decided that my one mohito and 5 sips of bloody mary a few hours ago was enough for me. I was going to make sure that I was going to get home safely although we were told to take a cab home and the boss would pay for it. I'm not thrilled about taking cabs anywhere, but at least it was an option and I appreciate the thought. This bar was much more crowded but it was getting to be later in the evening, 10:30 or so, and this is when everyone starts coming out for "fun". I was still doing OK for as crowded it was. I was talking with most everyone and just hanging out. Then I decided that I was going to use the restroom and this is when things started going downhill. My BIGGEST problem is with NASTY bathrooms and this one ranked high up there on the nasty scale. Even Bill said the men's restroom was like a frat house bathroom and as bad as I can imagine it was, it was probably worse.

When I came back out, this intoxicated young guy decided that he was going to dance with me and wouldn't let me pass to get back to our group. I gave him a look that told him I was not amused and if he would have continued 5 more seconds with his arms up over my head waving them around, my knee would have been square in his crotch. Luckly for him, let me by finally. I got back to Bill and told him my patience was starting to wear thin and that he could find me outside. I just needed to get away from all the crazy people. Outside was much better even though people were smoking (no smoking inside per state law). Miss Thing and J went into the limo. Of course I assumed the worst.... but apparently she was not feeling well. Then the call came to round up the pack and move on to the next stop. It was time for midnight sushi... I really didn't see this turning out well but back into the limo we went. Miss Thing was passed out in the very back seat. Hahahaha... way to make a good impression girlfriend. By the way, she was really trying to get herself a job with Bill's boss as some PR person. What office totalling 5 people needs a PR person? Like that would ever happen.

The sushi place was packed and it was well after midnight. The limo left to go take J and Miss Thing home. I had reached my limit and I was getting very annoyed. Having a limo was nice in the beginning, now I was trapped. I was at the mercy of the crowd. My truck was who knows where at L's house somewhere in South Tampa. I had no idea where I was. I was contemplating getting a cab to take us back to L's house so I could get in my car and go home, but I didn't know exactly what street L's house was on. Bill had driven over and unfortunately I was not paying good enough attention to know how to get back. I remembered the house number on her door but that was going to do me no good. I had stopped drinking 3 hours ago... Bill was still going strong. We grabbed a table when some people got up and sat down. The waitress brought us all glasses of water and I happily drank that and tried to figure out how to get home. I told Bill that I really had had enough and it was after midnight. We've been doing this for 6 hours now. Everyone was pretty trashed, they wouldn't care if we left or not if they still wanted to keep partying. Bill said we're a few blocks from L's house. He knew exactly where we were and we'd walk back to get my truck in a few minutes.

Then the real fun began. Bill's boss brought over shots... Bill thought they were vodka shots but we find out later they were lemon drops. Of course, I'm not doing one... I'm so close to being free of all this hell. I look at Bill and say "You're not really going to drink that are you? Are you sure you want to do that?" Bill has a past of not doing so well after taking some shots. And he drank it. I'm not really sure how much he drank over the course of the evening. Not more than 3 minutes later, Bill's eyes are glazed over and he has that look on his face. He said, "I'm done." Thank God - let's say our good-bye's and get the heck out of here. It took a few minutes to get him out of the chair and we told everyone that we were done for the evening, thank you for a wonderful time, etc, and we went outside. The limo was sitting outside waiting for the group. Bill stood on the sidewalk, looked up and down the street, and said "Where the **** are we?" Oh crap.

Some other people in our party said they were heading to Whiskey Park next. I knew that was down the street from L's house so we got back into the limo. J was back... he had dropped off Miss Thing at his apartment and carried her up 3 flights of stairs. I guess he decided he was coming back to join the party. While we were waiting for everyone else to get in, Bill opened the door into traffic and got out. Then proceeded to head for the back of the limo and threw up on the ground. Ah... Merry Christmas. After several minutes of this, he climbs back in and we are off to the next stop.

We picked up some of J's friends along the way and were finally at Whiskey Park. Bill's boss decided to take him and his wife home and the limo would drop us off back at L's house. Bill gets sick again and we have to wait several minutes until he is able to get himself back together again. Instead of taking us down the street a few blocks to L's house, Bill's boss wants to be dropped off first several miles away. I was praying Bill wasn't going to throw up all over me before we were back at my truck. Bill kept saying he knew how to get back to L's house, but it was pretty apparent to me that he didn't really know.

Bill's boss was able to tell the limo driver what the cross streets to L's house. I assured the limo driver that I would be driving us home because for some reason, he assumed that Bill would be trying to drive. When we got close enough, I could see my truck and we were finally done with this trip. I couldn't wait to get home... I was pretty annoyed how the evening had turned out. We were making good time and we only had to pull over once to let Bill get sick again in some parking lot. I asked him to close the door while he was making horrible noises but he didn't, so I just turned up the stereo really loud. I also made him strip down in the laundry room before he got all the way into the house. Who knew how much "stuff" he had on his shoes and pant legs... yuck.

Another party down... another one on Saturday night. Let the fun roll on...

Just Call Me "Inky"

Second trip down to the county jail was a success! Our fingerprints were taken on the paper print-out of the FBI card and the tech didn't even bat an eyelash. This was a different lady then yesterday so who knows what she would have said yesterday if we had her instead. We were taken right in. My co-workers find it extremely funny that we had to have this done. I am hearing several jokes about it until they forget this ever happened.

We also were able to get the records release notarized and our money orders for the clearances. Bill mailed everything off this morning to the FBI offices in West Virginia. One more thing done.

We are pretty much caught up on all paperwork until the next round comes in for our homestudy. There are still things to keep us busy, like starting to gather all our pictures for the family profile. I'm not worrying about the insurance deal any longer. I'll have plenty of time to ask the lawyer those technical questions when the time comes.

ALL of my Christmas shopping is officially done! This includes Bill's stocking gifts, which is always a very big deal around here. The last few things that I needed from Target I picked up yesterday when I was off from work, including all the pet gifts that I needed for the family's pets. Of course, I HAD to pick up presents for my sweet babies Biscuit and Harley. I love the American Kennel toys for dogs because they aren't the normal cheap fuzzy toys, these are more furry. I picked up a small gray rabbit for Biscuit as she prefers smaller soft toys for carrying. The target cashier had put all the pet toys in one bag and I had enough stuff for 5 cats and 3 dogs.

When I got home, I had the Target bags and an arm-full of groceries from Wild Oats. I put the Target bags on the floor in the kitchen. Later I was reading the mail and I heard someone nosing the plastic bags. I didn't think anything of it... we have nosey pets, they are always into something. A few minutes later, I heard the plastic bag being drug across the tile floor. I got up to investigate. Biscuit had found the rabbit toy and was determined to get it out of the bag but the handles were stuck on the cardboard holder so it was not working as planned. She wanted the toy and was dragging the bag over to her couch for some good fun. Luckily I saw her and stopped all this before she completely had the toy all slobbered up. Nothing else in the bag of toys did she want but that rabbit. I know her soooo well! At least I know she will be playing with it a lot once she gets it.

County Jail, Trip Number One

Another day of adoption errands...

1. Get home equity line of credit closing documents notarized
2. Go to the county jail and get fingerprinted for FBI clearance

We went down the bank and got all our closing documents signed and completed. Check. Then we asked for the notary to sign our FBI records release for the agency and she wouldn't do it. She cannot sign any papers that are court-related. Nuts - didn't know that! At least we know now if anything comes up with the adoption down the road, we can't go to the bank. Now I have to go to another place that does notary work and I have to pay... oh well.

Next stop was the county jail. I thought this was extremely funny to pull into the parking lot. We put our name on the list and waited about 5 minutes for our names to be called. I had called yesterday and found out where to go and I told them that I didn't have the fingerprinting card. "No problem", I was told, "come on in." That's what we did. The tech asked us where our cards were. We don't have any, we told her. She said we do not have cards here. What? We are in a JAIL. You fingerprint people every day, right? When you arrest people do you make them go home and print out the fingerprint document before they are booked? I'm guessing "NO".

So we went home and called our homestudy coordinator. She told me to print out the fingerprint card from the FBI website and that should be good enough for them. It does not need to be done on cardstock. We are going back AGAIN tomorrow morning and hopefully we will be successful. Who knows?? Isn't it always like this when working with the government?

The good news today - we've been assigned a social worker to complete our homestudy. I have not talked to her yet but someone has our case. We are moving forward one day at a time!

I was off from work today and I got my hair fixed. It looks fabulous if I do say so myself. It's darker than it has been but that is to fix all the red, orange, and purple that was put in the last time I was at the other salon. It's more my natural color now and a little shorter so it curls up tighter. I am thrilled!

The Never-Ending To-Do List

The further we get into the adoption work, the more there is to do!

Of course that is expected.... it's just overwhelming sometimes and I have to step back and focus on one baby step at a time.

There is a debate between myself and my HR department regarding when Little Roo would be covered under our health insurance. The latest I have been told is that it is with finalization, not with placement. Ugh! The thought of having a baby that is not covered under insurance makes my stomach turn. I will have to keep asking someone that knows. The worst thing that happens is that we will have to pay for everything out of pocket for Little Roo until the adoption is completely finalized and that will depend on what state Little Roo is born. This is stressing me out.... I'm not happy about it but at the same time, I can see that there is still room for something to happen in that time and the finalization not go through and the insurance is stuck with a bill. I can be concerned about this, but I cannot worry about it.

Our home equity line of credit is almost open. They surprised me and called on Friday afternoon and said they are sending out the closing documents that night. We got them on Saturday morning. Several of the forms need to be notarized before they can be returned but then our money will be available within 5 business days. Wow!! I had expected this to close in the early part of January. We'll be busy tonight going over all these papers.

We were filling out forms last night, this is our new hobby by the way, and completed many that I could turn in today. One of which is the homestudy application and fee. Bill finished the adoption manual that the agency wanted us read and then we went out to dinner to discuss. We filled out most of the clearance forms that need to be turned in but the FBI one remains. Both of us need to be fingerprinted and those cards have to be sent for federal background checks. That is going to take the most time I think, 8-10 weeks. I called the sheriff's office and they said for me to come on down to the county jail to get fingerprinted..... yikes! Me? Come to the jail?? Whatever it takes.

I was doing so well today just marking off items on my To-Do list but this whole insurance thing is REALLY bothering me! Argh!!!!!

Best to go home and work out....

I'm off from work tomorrow and I'm getting my hair done. It has been enough time since the infamous purple roots disaster from my last stylist that it can be safely mended. Who knows how long this is going to take to get my hair looking halfway decent again. One thing is for sure... I won't be going back to the original stylist and I had been seeing her for years. 2 times in a row I ended up with red and purple in my hair when it is supposed to be ash brown! The first time was the benefit of the doubt and everyone thought it looked very nice really. The second time was the day before we were leaving for R's wedding and it was a complete disaster. People that don't know me didn't think much about it and probably thought I was a little goth.... people that DO know me were very surprised to see my insane hair. I'm all for looking normal again. What's even worse, putting my hair in a pony tail makes me look like a skunk as my brassy orange highlights were concentrated on the front and top of my head while the rest was dark dark dark! I wanted to get it corrected right away but I was afraid of my hair breaking or even falling out. I'm desperate to go to someone I don't know to get it fixed. I'll be doing a lot of talking before she even touches my hair!

Just Call Me Infertile Myrtle, Part III

This is my disclaimer... only read this if you REALLY want to know where our TTC (trying to conceive) journey has taken us. If you don't want to know this much about me, stop right here!

Who knew I had such a long story to tell???

So now I'm back to worrying about my kidneys. Maybe they aren't working right, maybe the one on the right side is present but totally useless, maybe the left one is trashed too. I had no idea what to think. I had to keep reminding myself that ultrasounds are notorious for creating more questions than answering them but still, I was scared. Why was this happening to me? All I wanted to do was have a baby like a majority of women in the world do every day.

The reproductive medicine practice left me high and dry. They were done with me until I could prove that I was healthy enough to continue. I called my primary care physician's office and asked to speak to my favorite nurse K. Nurse K called me back when she had a free moment and I had to explain to her all that I had done up until this point, since there was no record of any of this since it all started with my OB/GYN. I told her about the HSG and the UU and then the ultrasound and now my current issue. She was so understanding and asked me what I wanted to do next. She would either get Dr. N to order the CT scan for me or she would give me a referral to a nephrologist. We decided that if I went to the kidney specialist, they would end up ordering the same test for me anyway and if there proved to be something wrong then I would have the test results available to take with me. She said she would get Dr. N to order the test and she would give it to the office staff by the following afternoon and they would fax it to the imaging center that I provided the information for.

I waited two days and figured certainly the prescription was waiting at the imaging center by now and I called to make schedule my CT scan. The diagnostic center had no idea what I was talking about, they had not received any prescriptions in my name at any one of their offices in town. She thankfully asked me if I had the insurance authorization number. A what? Nuts... more stuff to do. I called the insurance company and the lady said that the authorization request had to come from the referring physician's office. Of course it has to.... Another phone call back to Dr. N's office. The lady in charge of authorizations - not so friendly. She made me tell her my whole life story but at this point, I'm pretty good at listing all of my tests and results fairly quickly. She wanted to know why Dr. T wouldn't order the test and asked me other useless questions but in the end, agreed that she would "try" to get the test approved.

I talked to the front office staff again and they had assured me that the prescription had been faxed to the correct place and the numbers were right and it was out of their hands. Another call to the imaging center, still no prescription. Front office staff again - they would fax it out again. This went on for days. I was calling the imaging center twice a day and the poor scheduler knew who I was every time. She said that as soon as she got the prescription, she would call me and get me scheduled. I thought was very nice of her. More days passed and the prescription was still missing.

I was working from home the following week and was truly getting sick of all this back and forth. I can see why people give up. I called Dr. N's office again on a last ditch effort. I said cleary the imaging center was having a problem keeping their paperwork straight and they have not been able to find the prescription that was obviously faxed several times from your office and that I would just swing by the office in the morning on my way into work the next day. I confirmed what time they opened and I said that I would be there and since the prescription was written out already, I'll just hand deliver it to the diagnostic center and they wouldn't have to be involved in the middle any longer. I figured I was going to catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I hung up the phone.

Not more than 10 minutes later, the scheduler at the imaging center called me - "I just got a faxed prescription from your doctor, let's get you scheduled!" Hmmmmm..... very very interesting. Another phone call to Dr. N's office to check on the authorization number. Oh no, it wasn't available yet.... yeah sure. I called again the next day and she had the authorization number for me and she was ready to fax it over to the imaging center. Ummmm no, how about you just give it to me and I'll take it in with me when I pick up the drinkable contrast! This was a huge headache and not to mention, I was worried about getting the test done to see if I was dying or not!? No one really seemed to care. This whole process took at least 2 weeks.

I had to start drinking large amounts of the barium contrast solution the night before the CT scan and several times the day of. It didn't taste so good on it's own but it had kind of an orange flavor to it. I was told that I could add flavoring powder to it like Kool-Aid, so I dumped in some orange Crystal Light that I had on hand. That made it a little better... but it was thick and kind of chalky afterwards. Keeping it cold was very helpful in getting it to go down. I must say the imaging center has done a stellar job at keeping appointments on schedule. For the first ultrasound I had there, I was taken in even earlier than my appointment time. I walked in for the CT test and the waiting room was full. I started to get a little nervous but they called me right in at my scheduled time. Bonus!

The technician brought me back and had me change into one of the infamous hospital gowns. Then she took me into the room where the machine was and handed me another tall cup of the contrast to drink! It wasn't flavored and it was room temperature. I told her I was going to need a few minutes to get all this down if she didn't want it to come back up. Yuck. Then she got me all prepped on the table and I must say I was very comfortable. I had a wedge holding up my legs and was laying on another wedge that supported my back and head and I had to have my arms raised over my head. She put the IV in my arm since they were going to have to inject another contrast for the second part of the test. Whatever... between all the blood work I've had done and now all my acupuncture sessions, I could care less about a stupid IV but the same rule applied.... you have one poke to get it right. And she did. They she covered me up with warmed blankets... wow this is treatment!

I never had a CT scan done before but I knew what was happening and prepared myself for some weird noises so I was very relaxed. The warm blankets were helping too. The first part of the test were with no IV contrast and there were several passes in and out of the machine, holding my breath, "breathe now" the machine would say. It would also tell you how long you would have to hold your breath for and I was pretty enamored with how the machine actually worked. Then the nurse came in and started the IV push. She said that it was going to feel like I was peeing my pants because the warm dye travels to the bladder quickly and settles there. Nice... can't wait.... BUT I'm so glad she told me that or I would have been really worried when it did happen. That was a very weird sensation and the whole test was repeated again.

I just prayed that my kidneys were good and that nothing else of a surprise was giong to surface because of this test. I signed all sorts of papers that said that I had to be aware that the contrast used in these tests are highly toxic to the kidneys. Great - to see if you have bad kidneys, they have to give you substances that may damage them further if they are already working poorly! What genius thought of this?? All I could do afterwards was drink as much water as humanly possible to flush out all the junk. I also was smart and scheduled an appointment with the acupuncturist that same afternoon after the CT scan. She gave me some homeopathic shots to help my body detox all the chemicals out. S told me several days later than when I came into her office that day, I looked horrible and she was very concerned about the stress my body was undergoing. She didn't believe that I had any kidney issues based on all the exams I had had with her but after seeing me that day, she was second-guessing if anything was wrong.

Much to my surprise I was called by Nurse K just a few days after the test. My CT scan results had come back perfectly normal! There were no cysts on my kidneys, no masses, nothing completely out of the ordinary. There was a small follicular cyst on my left ovary (from ovulation a few days previous to the test) and my uterus appeared to deviate to the left. Yep, that was known information as well. Short of having a brain tumor and a broken apendage, everything was completely normal. Bill and I were very happy to hear this news and have this all behind us.

My doctor asked that I come into the office to see her since I hadn't been in her office in a while so I could get my test results to take back to Dr. T. Fine, another doctor's appointment, sure. I saw her a few days earlier and again explained everything that had happened since the last time I saw her. She knew that we had been TTC, as that had been discussed a long time back when we were first just starting out. Dr. N had recently had a baby so we talked about that a little and she asked what our next steps were. I said we knew that we had 2 IUI tries left but that we had started discussing adoption as an option for us. Then I got the words that every woman who has been TTC for a long time hates to hear - "You just need to relax, it will happen." "As soon as you decide you want to adopt, BAM! You'll be pregnant." "Once you sign those adoption papers, you'll be pregnant for sure!" OK, thank you for the vote of confidence but relaxing does not get people pregnant. At least not people with a known cause of infertility. She had the front staff make copies of my test reports to take back to the reproductive medicine practice and said "You'll be pregnant in no time!"

I called the reproductive medicine practice on the first day of my next cycle and told them that I was back on the TTC wagon and I had copies of my CT scan to prove that I was healthy to continue. I hand-delivered the test results to the front desk since I work just down the street and ask they be added to my expanding chart. I left a message on the nurses line asking what I was supposed to do this cycle. The mean nurse called me back in the afternoon and said Dr. T wanted me to try a low dose of Clomid and I had to come in for a baseline ultrasound to check to make sure I do not have any cysts on my ovaries from the previous cycle. OK, I agreed to that. Then I was told that I was to call the afternoon that I get a positive ovulation test and an IUI would be scheduled the next morning. I said I am supposed to have monitored cycles, I have to know which side I'm ovulating from. She asked me why and said there was nothing on my chart about this requirement. So here I am AGAIN explaining the HSG and the UU condition. She didn't believe me and put me on hold.

Thank goodness she put me on hold because I had some choice words for her that were about to come out of my mouth. When she returned, she said she talked to Dr. T and he said I should have a monitored cycle. With monitored cycles, they require the HCG trigger shot (which I had done the last time so I'm not a total idiot about this) and had I bothered to take their injectibles class yet? I calmly said that I was perfectly capable of giving myself the shot as I had been given very good instructions by nice nurse before my last IUI and I also had another doctor that would be able to give me the shot at night if I really needed help. Mean nurse was somewhat appeased by that answer and sent me off to the ultrasound scheduler. Geez... so freaking difficult, I was upset again.

My baseline ultrasound was the next day and I had to wait over an hour to be called in for a 3 minute test. I was given the song and dance that practically the entire office called out and she was one of the only ones left. OK but the waiting room didn't have very many people in it at all, but whatever, it's my turn anyway. The tech was doing her thing and not saying very much. I asked her what did she see? I hope I have something started on my left ovary! She was curious - why did that matter? I explained that I only have a fallopian tube on my left side. She said... here it comes.... "Well, your chart doesn't mention any of this information." Like I'm making all this up?? I was in luck, no cysts so I was cleared to start taking Clomid, and I had follicle development on my left side. Then she told me to come back in for my mid-cycle ultrasound on day 13. I said I usually ovulate on day 13, wouldn't that be too late? Again, a look of cynicism crossed her face like I couldn't possibly know that type of information. I said it should be clear on my many temperature graphs in the back of my chart. Annoyingly she said to come back on day 11. Geez.... what the hell? I left that office once again completely angry.

I was on Clomid for 5 days... and it stinks. Side effects - headaches, mood swings, hot flashes, restless sleep. I had them all but I figured if this is what was going to get me pregnant, then let's do it. After my last dose, I did a happy dance. It was all over!

Of course, I had to wait an hour after my scheduled appointment time to have my next ultrasound done. Same situation again.... I had to ask what the results of the ultrasound was, do I have any mature follicles on my left side? Again, no mention of anything on my chart and how did I know all this information? Ugh!! Isn't it their job to keep all these details straight? It was good news for me.... I had two mature follicles on my left side, ready to go with the trigger shot that night.

The IUI was 2 days later and was nothing spectacular. Quite painful like the first one, but I was expecting it this time. All we could do was wait and hope the Clomid was going to do the trick. We knew there were 2 eggs and multiples are NOT an option for my UU condition. We decided to not worry about it and 2 eggs were going to give us an added "target" and only if we found out that both had fertilized, it would be then that we would worry about the task of selective reduction if they found twins. I didn't even want to think about it. I only wanted to focus on one step at a time.

We traveled to Texas and attended a family wedding. I didn't drink at all, I treated my body as if it were pregnant, as I have treated my body for the last few years - hopeful that I was finally pregnant. Cousins of Bill's have 2 young toddlers and I spent a lot of time with them and their mom S. I thought it might be hard for me to be around them, but it turns out that it wasn't. S and I were planning our families at the same time only she has managed to have 2 children and I have not managed to produce one! I expected to feel sad but I wasn't. It just felt so good to have that little one fall asleep in my arms because he felt safe and secure. We fielded all the normal family questions with grace - you've been married so long.... no children?? After the rehearsal dinner, Bill walked back with me and S and the kids to the hotel. It was time to get the kids ready for bed. S was taking care of getting the baby ready for bed, Bill and I took on the older one. We got her into the pj's and brushed her teeth. Bill got her little DVD player set up and put in a princess movie for her to watch. I watched as he tucked her into bed and gave her a doll and sat with her until she fell asleep. It was the sweetest thing I had ever seen. I actually could imagine Bill as a dad. The imagines in my head were real.

Bill was in the wedding party and I had also gone to the church early to take some extra pictures. Once I knew all the men were dressed, I met them in the hall where they were waiting. Bill came up and told me that he had dressed the groom's son in his tux and I could tell he was so proud of himself. He then told me that he wanted to be a parent and it didn't matter to him any longer how we became parents. I nearly cried. I knew what this meant.... this meant that he was actually becoming serious about adopting if our current methods of trying to have a family continued to fail. We decided that if the natural route was not working or showing promise by the end of the year, that we would begin the adoption process at the beginning of the year.

We traveled back home after the wedding and in a few short days, we found out the IUI failed. I wasn't pregnant. I was upset because I was really hoping this was it for us but something had changed inside me. Things were shifting. I didn't feel the need to be pregnant, I felt the need to parent. We knew what this failed IUI meant - that we probably only had one more IUI ahead of us before we would be told we needed to consider IVF in order to become pregnant. There would be no IUI cycles with the more potent injectible fertility drugs, the risk of multiples is too great. We knew we were quickly approaching the end of our journey on this train and I believe we were both prepared for what probably wasn't going to happen.

We started the entire process again with the reproductive medicine practice. The phone calls to the nurse about what to do next that end in anger because I had to explain my uterine defect all over again. Another hour waiting for a baseline ultrasound that luckily showed no cysts. I was cleared to start Clomid again. The tech argued with me again when I was to come into the office for my mid-cycle ultrasound to check for mature follicles. Again, claimed nothing that I ever say is in my chart and insisted that I come in on the day she said even though I know I would ovulate by then on my own. I cried to Bill on the phone in the parking lot that I don't understand why I am being treated this way. What have I done wrong to deserve this?

I had the same side effects from the medication and prayed the next 5 days would go by quickly. My next ultrasound was scheduled for the week of Thanksgiving and the more I thought about the appointment that the tech wanted set up, the more it angered me. I know my body, I'm not stupid. I called the practice and they moved my appointment to Monday from Tuesday. So I walk in and have to wait an hour and a half to be called back. I got the same song and dance about being short-staffed. The very first thing that the tech says to me is "What are you doing here? You should not be here until tomorrow." Whatever. I said that tomorrow was more than likely too late and I'm here so you might as well check me now. I wasn't putting up with crap any longer.

So she does the scan and of course, I had to ask what are the results. She said I had one follicle on the left that was too small to do anything and two mature follicles on my right ovary? What??? It has not done anything in the last few months and our last try it was going to start doing something!? I said to cancel the IUI because eggs on my right ovary weren't going to help my cause. Again, she looked at me like I was crazy and had no clue what I was talking about. I had to explain AGAIN about only having a tube on my left side. Then I said "I guess it didn't matter which day I came in on anyway since this cycle is over." She told me to go home and have timed intercourse and I had less than a 1% chance of becoming pregnant this cycle.

Thanks. See ya. Again, I'm crying in the parking lot on the phone with Bill. I told him I don't know that I want to do this anymore, it just doesn't feel right. Bill said he understood and that we didn't have to keep beating our heads against the wall.

And with that, our assisted TTC journey has ended. It feels like the right time to pursue adoption and to find our family by other means. We feel the urge to parent and that is what we will do. We turned in our adoption pre-application and fees on November 30th. A little ahead of our original schedule but we are looking forward to the journey ahead!

Congratulations on making it this far!!

A Good Day!

I've been so busy writing my "Infertile Mrytle" posts that I haven't posted any updates!!

Sunday evening, we called both sets of parents to tell them our adoption plans. I think everyone was very happy and excited for us. By the time Bill's mom got off the phone, she was positively giddy with the prospect of being a grandmother.

Our VERY large packet of information arrived in the mail yesterday. It is quite overwhelming to just dive into but if we follow the steps as outlined to us, we can do this in baby steps. One thing at a time....

We have to get through the book they sent first and then we have to get our home study application and fee off. The plan is do a little at a time, each day!! We were contacted that our home equity line of credit application was conditionally approved. I had to send in a mortgage statement and they are working on that in the background and hopefully that will close at the beginning of the year.

I filled up my glass at the fridge and saw Harley nestled up under the tree.... the Christmas Kitty! She was so cute, I had to take a picture!

Just Call Me Infertile Myrtle, Part II

This is my disclaimer... only read this if you REALLY want to know where our TTC (trying to conceive) journey has taken us. If you don't want to know this much about me, stop right here!

I went to the local diagnostic center to have my renal and pelvic ultrasound done. Again, I was too freaked out about the possiblity of missing a kidney, that was my primary concern. I spent the whole previous night searching through all my medical textbooks and the internet looking at ultrasound images of kidneys. I know that they techs are not supposed to comment on anything they see because the final report results have to come from the doctor. I was hoping that if I saw something on the screen that resembled a kidney that I would at least stop panicking. Bill and I also decided that we were not going to call my parents and tell them what was going on unless we were positive that I was having a true medical emergency. Really, if it hadn't killed me in the last 30 years of my life, it wasn't going to kill me in the next day. If the results came back more serious, then we'd start talking.

The technician I had was very nice. I told her my situation because she had a hard time understanding what the prescription said. I begged her to just tell me if both kidneys appeared present. Size, shape, function wasn't at the top of my list at that point. She showed me on the screen my right kidney and then my left. They are both there! Thank God! She scanned the rest of my abdomen and finally let me go use the restroom because I had to have a full bladder to visualize all the reproductive organs. That was torture! I feel bad for pregnant women that have to go to the bathroom all the time anyway and have to go through all these ultrasounds! I went home a much happier person than I was 24 hours earlier.

Since all of our tests were officially completed, we were able to schedule another appointment with Dr. T to review all our results and come up with a plan of action. We were lucky to get one within the next 2 weeks and I spent my waiting time researching the UU (unicornuate uterus) condition. I found out pretty quickly that chances of a full-term, healthy baby was not exactly in my favor. Large miscarriage rates. No chance of carrying multiples, not enough room. Premature labor should be expected. The cervix could fail as there might be too much pressure from the growing fetus that would require a cerclage (cervical stitch) if caught in time. High occurance of cesarean section as many UU babies tend to stay breach because there is not enough room to turn head-down. Wow, this was far from my idea of what a pregnancy would be like. I was scared.

I really didn't learn anything new at our appointment probably because I had done so much research on my own. Bill's test came back within normal limits. I didn't have HIV or any other known STD. My additional blood work showed I have good ovarian reserve and egg quality. And then Dr. T looked at my HSG images and said "Wow - that's a funky uterus!". Honest, that is what was said. I think he was trying to make light of the situation, but it bothered me. Dr. T also mentioned to me that he was missing the results to my ultrasounds. No report was sent from the diagnostic center in over 2 weeks. I told him that the technician said I had 2 kidneys and that was good enough for him. He asked why I didn't have the ultrasound done here at the office. I said that Dr. G handed me a prescription, told me to call an imaging center and make and appointment. I was doing what I was told. That annoyed me as well. He had not decided if we should try any fertility drugs as producing multiples for me would be a bad situation and I would have to agree to selective reduction. He said we were going to try 3 IUI's (interuterine inseminations) and then we would visit again if those failed to determine the next course of action, but implied that IVF was the next step.

I was told to call the practice on day one of my cycle and tell them that I was doing an IUI. Dr. T told me to start taking OPK's (ovulation predictor kit tests) and to call the office when I got a positive result and I would be scheduled to have an IUI done the next morning. OK, that is pretty standard procedure.

I was determined to find the missing ultrasound report. I was given the run-around, of course. The diagnostic center promised me that the report had been faxed. The practice told me that they never got it. I confirmed the fax number, the office number, my name, my date of birth, everything. After several days of calling back and forth, I was fortunate to get someone in the imaging center that could see that the report had been faxed and gave me the date and time. Then she told me when they had tried to fax the report just 3 days after my ultrasound, the fax machine in the practice was busy and it automatically tried 2 more times that night and stopped. They never attempted to fax it again the next day. I couldn't believe it. Good thing no one was dying or anything! She agreed to fax it again while I was still on the phone with her and like magic, it worked. I called the practice and they had received it and it was waiting to be filed in my growing chart. One obstacle down!

One of our good friends is a chiropractor and encouraged me to come and see him. He said maybe my body just needs a boost to help everything work correctly. It certainly wasn't going to make anything worse. So I started going to him twice a week and getting adjustments. Nothing was terribly out of whack with me, but I consistantly have my L3 out of alignment. L3 controls the reproductive organs and it usually slips over to the right side. Imagine that! We had also had a health fair and I was fortunate enough to meet an acupuncturist who I had been hearing a lot about from other friends. We connected right away and in a few minutes, S knew my full story. She hoped she could help me and we started with treatments right away. I was was trying to do everything possible to get my body working right.

I started doing my OPK's and after a few days of this, I started thinking that if I ovulate on my right side, where I have no tube to deliver the egg to the uterus, all of this is for nothing. Statistically there is a very small chance that the good tube on the opposite side could catch the egg, but this is extremely rare. Probably wasn't going to happen to me. I was told that I could call the practice anytime I had a question and a nurse would call me back that day. So I did. I left a message asking how would I know that I was ovulating on my "good" side, although I already knew the answer to this question. They were going to have to switch me to a monitored cycle, which means watching follicles develop by ultrasounds. Why waste everyone's time with OPK's? It is clear to everyone that I am already ovulating consistently.

This is when everything started to go downhill. The nurse called me back that afternoon and asked why I cared which side I was ovulating from. Well, I assumed that it would be obvious in my chart why I cared. Yes, she had my chart in front of her but she saw no mention of my UU condition. As we chatted some more, she said IF I have only one tube, then she could change me to a monitored cycle with ultrasounds and I would be required to give myself a HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) trigger shot to ensure that ovulation occurs when the follicles are mature and ready to release an egg. This would lead to perfect timing of the IUI 36 hours later as the window of ovulation is known. She was still very skeptical why I was so concerned about which side I was developing follicles on but she agreed to discuss it with Dr. T and she would call me back the next day. I chalked the entire conversation up to her being a little slow.

The nurse called me back the next day. She said that she had talked to Dr. T and after looking at the ultrasound report, he said it would be a good idea for me to be put on a monitored cycle. Then she told me that we had a BIG problem. For a monitored cycle, I have to have the HCG trigger shot and the injectibles how-to class that is only taught once a month was held earlier that morning and I missed it. How was that my fault?? She started getting very snippy with me and said the class was required and that my monitored cycle was going to be cancelled. Then I started getting a little upset. I don't remember why I kept talking to this woman. It gets better... Somewhere in the conversation, she mentioned that my only ovary was on my right side and that if I was ovulating, it had to come from that side anyway, so why worry about being monitored. I stopped her and asked her to repeat what she said about my right ovary. She said the ultrasound report said the right ovary was present, the left ovary is missing and didn't I already know that? I said "No!" Ooops! She very quickly excused herself from the phone and put me on hold.

So I was already crying at this point at my desk in my office. Some nurse who just blurted out information that really should have come from my doctor just told me that my ovary on my good working side is not there. This is really not going well. There is no way for me to ever get pregnant.

Another nurse answered the phone. She heard the conversation with the other nurse and she told me to come in for an ultrasound anyway and we'd clear all this up. She'd get a prescription called over to my pharmacy in case I needed the HCG trigger. I asked about the stupid injectibles class and she told me if I had 3 extra minutes, she'd show me how to give myself the trigger because it's not a big deal. Wow, thank you! Why does everything need to be so difficult with some people?

I went in for my ultrasound on Friday of that week. The nurse that I had talked to last on the phone did the scan. She found both ovaries! My left one was really not missing at all! Even better news - the follicle that was mature and ready to expel the egg was on my left ovary! I felt like it was my special day!! I was so happy with this news, I could barely contain myself. She showed me how to give myself the Ovidrel trigger shot. No mixing was required, it is pre-loaded in the syringe and it's ready to go. I had made arrangements with the pharmacy to pick it up that afternoon. If the scan showed that I did not have a left ovary, we were stopping and I wasn't going to be giving myself any shots that would be completely pointless. I had Bill give me the shot that night as directed by the nurse, I didn't want to do it myself unless I really had to. The IUI was scheduled for Sunday morning.

Sunday morning came and we went to the practice. There was even an earth quake while we were sitting in the waiting room before we were called. I felt it, Bill did not. The couch was moving like someone else was sitting on the other end bouncing their leg up and down (which annoys the snot out of me, by the way). As soon as it started, it stopped and I really didn't know what it was. The IUI itself was not a walk in the park. It took several tries by the nurse to get the catheter positioned correctly and it was very painful. Probably because my uterus curves so drastically to the left, it is difficult to get the placement right. But I walked out full of hope and I was reminded that I needed to avoid stress. Yeah right... thanks!

The IUI didn't work. I was told to call back either when I got my period or after 14 days to have a blood test drawn. Well, I didn't make it to 14 days and I called at the beginning of my cycle. I left a message on the nurses line asking them to call me back with the protocol for this cycle. I wasn't sure if this was the time Dr. T wanted to me try Clomid to see how I respond on a low dose or not. If you take Clomid, you take it very early in your cycle, so there is a bit of urgency in deciding whether or not this is the next course of action. The one mean nurse called me back and said that she would have to talk to Dr. T the next day (he is only in the one branch a few days a week) and she would call me back tomorrow. She didn't see any mention of Clomid on my chart and why was I asking for another monitored cycle? Oh please people - it's your job to know my details. So I ended up explaining my UU condition all over again. She said again, none of this is in your chart. I left it at that. Who cares what she thinks?

The good nurse did call me back the next day, not the mean one. However, she started the conversation with "I'm sorry to tell you this but...". My monitored cycle was cancelled. Dr. T decided to review my ultrasound report again and decided that I was not to be treated at the practice any longer until my primary care physician determined that my kidneys were healthy. I was in shock again.... didn't he read the report the first time?? I was so confused. Then I was told the ultrasound report indicated that I had several cysts on my right kidney and an unknown mass in the left kidney. I had to get a CT scan and my doctor's approval to continue any fertility treatments. I was so upset and crying at my desk at work... again.

Guess I need to write a part three.... stay tuned!

Just Call Me Infertile Myrtle

This is my disclaimer... only read this if you REALLY want to know where our TTC (trying to conceive) journey has taken us. If you don't want to know this much about me, stop right here!

I get asked a lot of questions about my condition and before my diagnosis, I did not know it existed and I consider myself pretty "up" on medical information. It is just a thirst for knowledge I guess, but I probably never looked up "uterine abnormalities"!

All of my annual OB/GYN exams were always completely normal. There were no signs that anything was wrong under the surface. I was a pretty healthy child and never had any abdominal surgeries or many x-rays other than going to the dentist. I'm not sure they would have found this condition anyway unless it was specifically being looked at. I do know that I always had a bit of a pre-occupation about being able to become pregnant when I wanted to. Every exam, I'd ask if everything was looking good and I was always told my reproductive outlook was "great".

I starting taking the Pill right before Bill and I got married. I laugh about this now thinking about all the years that I didn't want to get pregnant and did everything in my power to avoid getting us into an unplanned pregnancy. This is the cruel irony of infertility! I stopped taking the Pill in 2001 after we had been married for a few years and we were more secure in our careers and finances. I had purchased a copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler and decided that introducing hormones into my body probably wasn't the best choice for me. I started charting my basal body temperature to determine when I was fertile and when I was not. We were still preventing but the thought of having a child didn't scare us very badly at that point.

Obviously, nothing ever happened. Fast forward a few years and we became more interested in starting a family. We at first left things up to chance and nothing. Then we really started being more conscious of my fertile times and nothing. Then we were using our graphs and charts to do optimal timing and nothing. My OB/GYN told me that she expected to see me back soon because I'd be pregnant for sure. She assured me we were doing everything right! I had my wisdom teeth removed as my dentist recommended that I have that done before I was pregnant because there is a higher incidence of problems. It needed to be done and now was as good of a time as ever.

Still, nothing happened. I wasn't even late one day on any cycle. I'm like clockwork. I ended up in her office the following year for an annual exam and reported that I still was not pregnant. We had a long talk and this is the best thing that I love about my OB/GYN office - they don't push people out the door. They schedule more time per patient than any other practice I know and I don't have to wait for months to make an appointment. She told me that she'd rather see me get some help from a specialist than continue beating my head against the wall and she gave me a referral a highly recommended Reproductive Endocronologist (RE). She ordered a lot of blood work that she knew they would want and that would get me off to a quicker start. Hormone levels, metabolic panels, you name it. Bill's doctor ordered a sperm analysis (SA) for him and the results of that were normal.

I researched the RE practice and was thrilled to find out that they had offices located just down the street from my office and close to home. It was going to be easy for me to bop down the street and back to work and it wasn't going to be a terrible distraction. I called the RE office close to work and they scheduled an appointment for just a few weeks away. A lot of people I know have had to wait months to get on the calendar. I felt very lucky! I went to get my blood work done and I wasn't feeling very lucky after they drew 9 vials from my arm. The last few tubes were a little iffy and I don't like those tests to begin with. But I survived and thought if I'm a whimp now, how am I going to expect to have a baby?

Bill and I sat down and discussed what our limits were going to be. I know when someone gets to this point and turns to ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) for help, the journey becomes very emotional. I wanted to be clear what procedures we were willing to try and which ones we weren't to avoid making emotional decisions. We decided that we were open to some oral fertility drugs, limited shots, and IUI (inter-uterine insemination). In-vitro fertilization (IVF) is in the category of "not going to try" for us at this time. We feel that if we reach the point where IVF is our only option, God has another plan for us.

Bill and I went to our first appt with Dr. T full of hope and excitement. We had the big packet all filled out, our insurance information ready, my blood test results (all looked normal to me), my last PAP result, DH's SA test result, and over years of temperature charts. "Looks good", we were told after Dr. T reviewed all our information. We were told the next course of action - more tests since nothing looked out of the ordinary and to stay with timed intercourse. Bill had another SA done (standard procedure to make sure one is not an anomoly). I had more blood work taken on a certain cycle day to check for ovarian reserve and egg quality. I was also tested for every known STD (ummm thanks) and other genetic markers like cystic fibrosis (I am not a carrier). I also heard several times "relax, you are young, there is nothing to worry about".

Everything was going very smoothly up until this point although I was a little annoyed that no one would give me any test results until ALL tests were completed and I had one left to do - a HSG. HSG or hysterosalpingogram is a series of x-ray images of the uterus and fallopian tubes as they are filled with a contrast dye. This has to be done at the beginning of your cycle because it could potentially "flush" out a fertilized egg if done after ovulation. There is a potential big benefit to this test as it is reported that there is increased fertility for the next 3 cycles as the dye helps flush out the fallopian tubes. Dr. T was all booked up when mine was to be done, so I saw another doctor in the practice. It really wasn't a big deal to me, but I didn't know her and she knows nothing about me. I was prepared as I had taken my antibiotics and pain medications as prescribed.

The test itself really wasn't too painful, thanks to the medications that were already in my system, and I had an idea of what to expect. It can involve cramping and sometimes you can get a false result because your tubes can spasm and close, showing blocked tubes. I could feel the dye fill once because it isn't warmed to body temperature and Dr. G remarked "hmm... that's not what I expected". She had me roll over on my left side and an image was taken then back on my back. She decided to run the test again just to make sure that she was seeing what she thought she saw and more images were taken.

This is a normal HSG where you see a nice triangular shape of the uterus and the tubes are nicely defined by the dye.


This is not my actual HSG image, but mine looks almost exactly like it. Maybe this is mine, who knows!?


Dr. G had me pick my head up so I could see the screen. She told me that I only had dye spillage on my left side and the test shows that I have a unicornuate uterus. "Don't worry", Dr. G said. Then I was asked to get dressed and a nurse would meet with me when I was ready. So when I came back out fully clothed, I was handed a booklet called "Birth Defects of the Female Reproductive System" and a prescription for a ultrasound. What??

Here's a better representation:


"Unicornuate Uterus - This is the failure in development of one of the Mullerian ducts, most likely due to a failure in migration (movement) of the duct to its proper location resulting in its total loss during fetal development. The resulting unicornuate or half uterus has connection to only one fallopian tube since the other tube was to be formed from the “lost” Mullerian duct.

The size of the cavity in the unicornuate uterus is very important in determining the likelihood of reproductive success. Unfortunately there is no accepted benefit for the treatment of these uterine defects.

The unicornuate uterus is associated with renal abnormalities (lack of a kidney on the side of the missing Mullerian structures) and reproductive problems (abnormal lie or presentation, intrauterine growth retardation, preterm labor and delivery, incompetent cervix)."

Now there was a question about my kidneys and function. Statistically, there was a 50% chance that I would be missing a kidney on my right side, the same side as the uterine defect. Dr. G said until it was determined what my kidney status and function is, I was on hold. If I have only one good kidney, we would have to understand that a pregnancy would put extreme pressure on my system and it would not be recommended that we continue. "Have you ever been told that you only have one kidney?" asked Dr. G. NO! Don't you think I would have mentioned that to someone along the way?? I'm not a complete idiot.

I was in shock as I left the office. I had no idea what to think or what to feel. I must say that all thoughts of TTC left my head quickly as I was more concerned about what the status of my kidneys were. If I only had one, there would be no way that I would risk harming it in the quest to have a family. There was no option there for me to ponder. I don't remember if I called Bill on the way home or not. I called my insurance as soon as I got home and asked them where I could go to get an ultrasound done. I had no idea, I was in total foreign soil. The consultant on the phone was very nice to me as I'm sure she could tell that I was a little frantic. She gave me the number to a diagnostic center right by the hospital, just a few minutes away. I called the diagnostic center and read what was on the prescription to the scheduler. I was in luck, there was an opening the very next day. I would not have to wait long to see how bad the situation was.

Stay tuned for part two..... this has gotten long enough for today!

Decorating For Christmas

We've finishing decorating the tree! Most of our little Christmas goodies are put out on display and it is really feeling like the holidays around here. Let me just say that my parents LOVE Christmas.... and most of the decorations we have were presents from them. I probably would not have all these cute little things without them! My mom hand-made several of my favorite things and I have some pictures to share.

I think our tree is very pretty! And this is the tree that Bill spent hours wiring all the lights onto so in the future all we would have to do is take it out the box, fluff it, and plug it in!

Most of the ornaments on the tree are from ones my parents gave me while growing up. My mom made us ornaments for most years so they are very special to me. A majority of the ornaments on the tree that are not from my childhood are now Winnie the Pooh (mine) and trains (for Bill). We have many angels too!

My mom made this garland for me and I love hanging it in my kitchen over the doorway.

The men have chef hats on!



Mom cross-stitched this for me last year. It has little charms and tiny jingle bells on it. I know she spent so much time on this. I had to use the flash so the details can be seen.

All the pictures are linked to their larger sizes.... beware! They are big!

As I said, she loves Christmas and that's a big benefit for me!!

My sweet baby Biscuit had to be in on the camera action! She loves having her picture taken and yes, she is wearing her Christmas bandanna!

I wonder what Santa will be bringing her this year.... she has been a very good girl!

I need to get moving on our Christmas cards and wrapping up gifts to get in the mail. At this point, I estimate that we have 95% of our shopping done. We are missing one thing for one family member to complete that gift... so we are doing well!

Bill and I have decided to support our area's local restaurants instead of the big chains around here. In the last week, we have found our two new favorites! One of which is an Irish pub that opened about five months ago. We took my truck in to get some work done and walked next door to the pub. We went inside and melted! This is what we have been waiting for!!! And the food? Both of us had the bangers and mash and every bite was heaven. Bill had a Guiness, of course, and I had a bloody mary. Yum!! We're going back tomorrow as we found out they serve a real traditional Irish breakfast on the weekends. How lucky are we?! It was just like being back in Ireland! When we are not doing Irish, there is our favorite Mexican place right down the street. The other place we found this week is an old victorian house that has been converted and it has a huge wrap-around porch. It has a lot of Southern Florida cooking and many seafood dishes. Bill is in heaven and luckily for me, there are some good chicken dishes on the menu!

I did time on the treadmill this morning. Go me! I got a very good workout using my heart monitor. I will have to do this more often and take Biscuit out walking for my cool down after the treadmill. She'll be happy not to be walked around the loop over and over but will appreciate getting out for a little while! It will be sad when everyone takes down their outside lights. It's so festive right now!!