Just Call Me Infertile Myrtle, Part III

This is my disclaimer... only read this if you REALLY want to know where our TTC (trying to conceive) journey has taken us. If you don't want to know this much about me, stop right here!

Who knew I had such a long story to tell???

So now I'm back to worrying about my kidneys. Maybe they aren't working right, maybe the one on the right side is present but totally useless, maybe the left one is trashed too. I had no idea what to think. I had to keep reminding myself that ultrasounds are notorious for creating more questions than answering them but still, I was scared. Why was this happening to me? All I wanted to do was have a baby like a majority of women in the world do every day.

The reproductive medicine practice left me high and dry. They were done with me until I could prove that I was healthy enough to continue. I called my primary care physician's office and asked to speak to my favorite nurse K. Nurse K called me back when she had a free moment and I had to explain to her all that I had done up until this point, since there was no record of any of this since it all started with my OB/GYN. I told her about the HSG and the UU and then the ultrasound and now my current issue. She was so understanding and asked me what I wanted to do next. She would either get Dr. N to order the CT scan for me or she would give me a referral to a nephrologist. We decided that if I went to the kidney specialist, they would end up ordering the same test for me anyway and if there proved to be something wrong then I would have the test results available to take with me. She said she would get Dr. N to order the test and she would give it to the office staff by the following afternoon and they would fax it to the imaging center that I provided the information for.

I waited two days and figured certainly the prescription was waiting at the imaging center by now and I called to make schedule my CT scan. The diagnostic center had no idea what I was talking about, they had not received any prescriptions in my name at any one of their offices in town. She thankfully asked me if I had the insurance authorization number. A what? Nuts... more stuff to do. I called the insurance company and the lady said that the authorization request had to come from the referring physician's office. Of course it has to.... Another phone call back to Dr. N's office. The lady in charge of authorizations - not so friendly. She made me tell her my whole life story but at this point, I'm pretty good at listing all of my tests and results fairly quickly. She wanted to know why Dr. T wouldn't order the test and asked me other useless questions but in the end, agreed that she would "try" to get the test approved.

I talked to the front office staff again and they had assured me that the prescription had been faxed to the correct place and the numbers were right and it was out of their hands. Another call to the imaging center, still no prescription. Front office staff again - they would fax it out again. This went on for days. I was calling the imaging center twice a day and the poor scheduler knew who I was every time. She said that as soon as she got the prescription, she would call me and get me scheduled. I thought was very nice of her. More days passed and the prescription was still missing.

I was working from home the following week and was truly getting sick of all this back and forth. I can see why people give up. I called Dr. N's office again on a last ditch effort. I said cleary the imaging center was having a problem keeping their paperwork straight and they have not been able to find the prescription that was obviously faxed several times from your office and that I would just swing by the office in the morning on my way into work the next day. I confirmed what time they opened and I said that I would be there and since the prescription was written out already, I'll just hand deliver it to the diagnostic center and they wouldn't have to be involved in the middle any longer. I figured I was going to catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I hung up the phone.

Not more than 10 minutes later, the scheduler at the imaging center called me - "I just got a faxed prescription from your doctor, let's get you scheduled!" Hmmmmm..... very very interesting. Another phone call to Dr. N's office to check on the authorization number. Oh no, it wasn't available yet.... yeah sure. I called again the next day and she had the authorization number for me and she was ready to fax it over to the imaging center. Ummmm no, how about you just give it to me and I'll take it in with me when I pick up the drinkable contrast! This was a huge headache and not to mention, I was worried about getting the test done to see if I was dying or not!? No one really seemed to care. This whole process took at least 2 weeks.

I had to start drinking large amounts of the barium contrast solution the night before the CT scan and several times the day of. It didn't taste so good on it's own but it had kind of an orange flavor to it. I was told that I could add flavoring powder to it like Kool-Aid, so I dumped in some orange Crystal Light that I had on hand. That made it a little better... but it was thick and kind of chalky afterwards. Keeping it cold was very helpful in getting it to go down. I must say the imaging center has done a stellar job at keeping appointments on schedule. For the first ultrasound I had there, I was taken in even earlier than my appointment time. I walked in for the CT test and the waiting room was full. I started to get a little nervous but they called me right in at my scheduled time. Bonus!

The technician brought me back and had me change into one of the infamous hospital gowns. Then she took me into the room where the machine was and handed me another tall cup of the contrast to drink! It wasn't flavored and it was room temperature. I told her I was going to need a few minutes to get all this down if she didn't want it to come back up. Yuck. Then she got me all prepped on the table and I must say I was very comfortable. I had a wedge holding up my legs and was laying on another wedge that supported my back and head and I had to have my arms raised over my head. She put the IV in my arm since they were going to have to inject another contrast for the second part of the test. Whatever... between all the blood work I've had done and now all my acupuncture sessions, I could care less about a stupid IV but the same rule applied.... you have one poke to get it right. And she did. They she covered me up with warmed blankets... wow this is treatment!

I never had a CT scan done before but I knew what was happening and prepared myself for some weird noises so I was very relaxed. The warm blankets were helping too. The first part of the test were with no IV contrast and there were several passes in and out of the machine, holding my breath, "breathe now" the machine would say. It would also tell you how long you would have to hold your breath for and I was pretty enamored with how the machine actually worked. Then the nurse came in and started the IV push. She said that it was going to feel like I was peeing my pants because the warm dye travels to the bladder quickly and settles there. Nice... can't wait.... BUT I'm so glad she told me that or I would have been really worried when it did happen. That was a very weird sensation and the whole test was repeated again.

I just prayed that my kidneys were good and that nothing else of a surprise was giong to surface because of this test. I signed all sorts of papers that said that I had to be aware that the contrast used in these tests are highly toxic to the kidneys. Great - to see if you have bad kidneys, they have to give you substances that may damage them further if they are already working poorly! What genius thought of this?? All I could do afterwards was drink as much water as humanly possible to flush out all the junk. I also was smart and scheduled an appointment with the acupuncturist that same afternoon after the CT scan. She gave me some homeopathic shots to help my body detox all the chemicals out. S told me several days later than when I came into her office that day, I looked horrible and she was very concerned about the stress my body was undergoing. She didn't believe that I had any kidney issues based on all the exams I had had with her but after seeing me that day, she was second-guessing if anything was wrong.

Much to my surprise I was called by Nurse K just a few days after the test. My CT scan results had come back perfectly normal! There were no cysts on my kidneys, no masses, nothing completely out of the ordinary. There was a small follicular cyst on my left ovary (from ovulation a few days previous to the test) and my uterus appeared to deviate to the left. Yep, that was known information as well. Short of having a brain tumor and a broken apendage, everything was completely normal. Bill and I were very happy to hear this news and have this all behind us.

My doctor asked that I come into the office to see her since I hadn't been in her office in a while so I could get my test results to take back to Dr. T. Fine, another doctor's appointment, sure. I saw her a few days earlier and again explained everything that had happened since the last time I saw her. She knew that we had been TTC, as that had been discussed a long time back when we were first just starting out. Dr. N had recently had a baby so we talked about that a little and she asked what our next steps were. I said we knew that we had 2 IUI tries left but that we had started discussing adoption as an option for us. Then I got the words that every woman who has been TTC for a long time hates to hear - "You just need to relax, it will happen." "As soon as you decide you want to adopt, BAM! You'll be pregnant." "Once you sign those adoption papers, you'll be pregnant for sure!" OK, thank you for the vote of confidence but relaxing does not get people pregnant. At least not people with a known cause of infertility. She had the front staff make copies of my test reports to take back to the reproductive medicine practice and said "You'll be pregnant in no time!"

I called the reproductive medicine practice on the first day of my next cycle and told them that I was back on the TTC wagon and I had copies of my CT scan to prove that I was healthy to continue. I hand-delivered the test results to the front desk since I work just down the street and ask they be added to my expanding chart. I left a message on the nurses line asking what I was supposed to do this cycle. The mean nurse called me back in the afternoon and said Dr. T wanted me to try a low dose of Clomid and I had to come in for a baseline ultrasound to check to make sure I do not have any cysts on my ovaries from the previous cycle. OK, I agreed to that. Then I was told that I was to call the afternoon that I get a positive ovulation test and an IUI would be scheduled the next morning. I said I am supposed to have monitored cycles, I have to know which side I'm ovulating from. She asked me why and said there was nothing on my chart about this requirement. So here I am AGAIN explaining the HSG and the UU condition. She didn't believe me and put me on hold.

Thank goodness she put me on hold because I had some choice words for her that were about to come out of my mouth. When she returned, she said she talked to Dr. T and he said I should have a monitored cycle. With monitored cycles, they require the HCG trigger shot (which I had done the last time so I'm not a total idiot about this) and had I bothered to take their injectibles class yet? I calmly said that I was perfectly capable of giving myself the shot as I had been given very good instructions by nice nurse before my last IUI and I also had another doctor that would be able to give me the shot at night if I really needed help. Mean nurse was somewhat appeased by that answer and sent me off to the ultrasound scheduler. Geez... so freaking difficult, I was upset again.

My baseline ultrasound was the next day and I had to wait over an hour to be called in for a 3 minute test. I was given the song and dance that practically the entire office called out and she was one of the only ones left. OK but the waiting room didn't have very many people in it at all, but whatever, it's my turn anyway. The tech was doing her thing and not saying very much. I asked her what did she see? I hope I have something started on my left ovary! She was curious - why did that matter? I explained that I only have a fallopian tube on my left side. She said... here it comes.... "Well, your chart doesn't mention any of this information." Like I'm making all this up?? I was in luck, no cysts so I was cleared to start taking Clomid, and I had follicle development on my left side. Then she told me to come back in for my mid-cycle ultrasound on day 13. I said I usually ovulate on day 13, wouldn't that be too late? Again, a look of cynicism crossed her face like I couldn't possibly know that type of information. I said it should be clear on my many temperature graphs in the back of my chart. Annoyingly she said to come back on day 11. Geez.... what the hell? I left that office once again completely angry.

I was on Clomid for 5 days... and it stinks. Side effects - headaches, mood swings, hot flashes, restless sleep. I had them all but I figured if this is what was going to get me pregnant, then let's do it. After my last dose, I did a happy dance. It was all over!

Of course, I had to wait an hour after my scheduled appointment time to have my next ultrasound done. Same situation again.... I had to ask what the results of the ultrasound was, do I have any mature follicles on my left side? Again, no mention of anything on my chart and how did I know all this information? Ugh!! Isn't it their job to keep all these details straight? It was good news for me.... I had two mature follicles on my left side, ready to go with the trigger shot that night.

The IUI was 2 days later and was nothing spectacular. Quite painful like the first one, but I was expecting it this time. All we could do was wait and hope the Clomid was going to do the trick. We knew there were 2 eggs and multiples are NOT an option for my UU condition. We decided to not worry about it and 2 eggs were going to give us an added "target" and only if we found out that both had fertilized, it would be then that we would worry about the task of selective reduction if they found twins. I didn't even want to think about it. I only wanted to focus on one step at a time.

We traveled to Texas and attended a family wedding. I didn't drink at all, I treated my body as if it were pregnant, as I have treated my body for the last few years - hopeful that I was finally pregnant. Cousins of Bill's have 2 young toddlers and I spent a lot of time with them and their mom S. I thought it might be hard for me to be around them, but it turns out that it wasn't. S and I were planning our families at the same time only she has managed to have 2 children and I have not managed to produce one! I expected to feel sad but I wasn't. It just felt so good to have that little one fall asleep in my arms because he felt safe and secure. We fielded all the normal family questions with grace - you've been married so long.... no children?? After the rehearsal dinner, Bill walked back with me and S and the kids to the hotel. It was time to get the kids ready for bed. S was taking care of getting the baby ready for bed, Bill and I took on the older one. We got her into the pj's and brushed her teeth. Bill got her little DVD player set up and put in a princess movie for her to watch. I watched as he tucked her into bed and gave her a doll and sat with her until she fell asleep. It was the sweetest thing I had ever seen. I actually could imagine Bill as a dad. The imagines in my head were real.

Bill was in the wedding party and I had also gone to the church early to take some extra pictures. Once I knew all the men were dressed, I met them in the hall where they were waiting. Bill came up and told me that he had dressed the groom's son in his tux and I could tell he was so proud of himself. He then told me that he wanted to be a parent and it didn't matter to him any longer how we became parents. I nearly cried. I knew what this meant.... this meant that he was actually becoming serious about adopting if our current methods of trying to have a family continued to fail. We decided that if the natural route was not working or showing promise by the end of the year, that we would begin the adoption process at the beginning of the year.

We traveled back home after the wedding and in a few short days, we found out the IUI failed. I wasn't pregnant. I was upset because I was really hoping this was it for us but something had changed inside me. Things were shifting. I didn't feel the need to be pregnant, I felt the need to parent. We knew what this failed IUI meant - that we probably only had one more IUI ahead of us before we would be told we needed to consider IVF in order to become pregnant. There would be no IUI cycles with the more potent injectible fertility drugs, the risk of multiples is too great. We knew we were quickly approaching the end of our journey on this train and I believe we were both prepared for what probably wasn't going to happen.

We started the entire process again with the reproductive medicine practice. The phone calls to the nurse about what to do next that end in anger because I had to explain my uterine defect all over again. Another hour waiting for a baseline ultrasound that luckily showed no cysts. I was cleared to start Clomid again. The tech argued with me again when I was to come into the office for my mid-cycle ultrasound to check for mature follicles. Again, claimed nothing that I ever say is in my chart and insisted that I come in on the day she said even though I know I would ovulate by then on my own. I cried to Bill on the phone in the parking lot that I don't understand why I am being treated this way. What have I done wrong to deserve this?

I had the same side effects from the medication and prayed the next 5 days would go by quickly. My next ultrasound was scheduled for the week of Thanksgiving and the more I thought about the appointment that the tech wanted set up, the more it angered me. I know my body, I'm not stupid. I called the practice and they moved my appointment to Monday from Tuesday. So I walk in and have to wait an hour and a half to be called back. I got the same song and dance about being short-staffed. The very first thing that the tech says to me is "What are you doing here? You should not be here until tomorrow." Whatever. I said that tomorrow was more than likely too late and I'm here so you might as well check me now. I wasn't putting up with crap any longer.

So she does the scan and of course, I had to ask what are the results. She said I had one follicle on the left that was too small to do anything and two mature follicles on my right ovary? What??? It has not done anything in the last few months and our last try it was going to start doing something!? I said to cancel the IUI because eggs on my right ovary weren't going to help my cause. Again, she looked at me like I was crazy and had no clue what I was talking about. I had to explain AGAIN about only having a tube on my left side. Then I said "I guess it didn't matter which day I came in on anyway since this cycle is over." She told me to go home and have timed intercourse and I had less than a 1% chance of becoming pregnant this cycle.

Thanks. See ya. Again, I'm crying in the parking lot on the phone with Bill. I told him I don't know that I want to do this anymore, it just doesn't feel right. Bill said he understood and that we didn't have to keep beating our heads against the wall.

And with that, our assisted TTC journey has ended. It feels like the right time to pursue adoption and to find our family by other means. We feel the urge to parent and that is what we will do. We turned in our adoption pre-application and fees on November 30th. A little ahead of our original schedule but we are looking forward to the journey ahead!

Congratulations on making it this far!!