Needless to say, Wednesday night was pretty sleepless. We had no idea what was going on or what the morning would bring. We were hopeful that we'd get the call that D and G signed all the papers and we would jump into the car and race to the hospital to be with our daughter. There was no way we could go to work, we were both blobs of anxiety and nervousness. I stayed in touch with my co-workers and said that we were still at home and I apologized for not being a helpful hand at work.
My mom called Thursday morning. That was not an expected part of the equation. She knows that I usually work at home on Tuesdays and Thursdays and she was checking in. I burst into tears and she knew immediately that something was wrong. Telling her that things with the adoption were going south was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. We had been on such an emotional rollercoaster, it was just not fair to bring them in before she had some answers one way or another. I promised to keep her informed as we knew something. Even if I didn't know anything, I was going to call her just so she would not be hanging on like we were, with no news. At least she would know that there was no news.
I knew that the social worker R was going to start calling D and G Thursday morning. Based on our call the previous night and knowing that they were feeling somewhat pressured, she said she was going to approach things differently. I called R to see where things stood and she said that she had left a message on their phone to please call her back. I thanked R for all her help and we knew that she was doing all that she was able to do. I told her that I don't envy her job one bit! I said that I will call and I left a message as well, if anything to let D know that we are here, thinking of them, and being as supportive as possible.
R called back not too long afterwards and told me she had spoken to D. They wanted more time. They did not want to make a decision. G's mom told them that they could come live with her, she would help them financially. Broke my heart. We know the history between G and his mom has not been a pretty one. We could not see how bringing a child into the mix was going to make it better.
D called me right before lunch. She asked how I was doing and I broke down. I told her that I was trying to be so strong for her and give her the support that she needed, but honestly I didn't understand what they were doing. I said I know that they are having a hard time financially and how can keeping the baby possibly help that situation for one second? I know they are trying to get a fresh start, or that is what we keep being told, so how does a new baby fit into that? I said we know you came to us with a problem and we thought we were your solution. She said they were very conflicted and they were getting pressure from their families. They are very afraid to make a decision that was going to result with someone being hurt. Unfortunately either decision is going to hurt someone. She said again that Greg was so angry about the financial problems that he was afraid that signing the baby away was going to just be too much to handle and he is afraid of being too sad.
I said that I was going to be completely straight with them. I know that what they are going through is so difficult and we cannot begin to imagine what it really feels like. I said I don't understand why this has become a money issue when there is a baby at stake. I said this is not about us or them anymore, there is a baby involved now and someone needs to step up and put her first. I said if they choose to parent her, that is their choice, and we respect that, but we hope they will be by her side as much as possible so she can get better. It's not fair to let her lay in the NICU alone, being changed and fed by nurses. She needs to bond with someone. I said if you want us to be there for her, then you know what you need to do. It's going to hurt no matter when you do it, but each day will get better. D got upset listening to how upset I was. I was speaking from the heart. She told me that they were going to go visit the baby that afternoon and she would call me back. I said I wished that I were there to give her lots of hugs because I know that is what she needs right now. We said good-bye and that was the last conversation I had with them.
I called R to let her know what happened on the call. I said I was pretty disappointed in myself because I cried and got very emotional. R said it was a good thing because we let her know that we are hurting too. At this point, I know that if they are getting pressure from the family, they will not be able to stand up to them. I didn't have high hopes knowing that they were getting other opinions thrown in their ear. This has never led down a good path in the past. R told me that she had to check out of the hotel by noon and it was clear to her that no decision was close to being made and she was going to head home. There was nothing else to do. The plan was to call her later that evening and maybe get a read one way or another what was going on.
We started looking into our documentation about what to do when a match fails. It just didn't seem things were going to work out. Bill started to get concerned about the money that we had paid for living expenses to them through the agency. If this was going to be a money issue, then it is very unfortunate that things had gone this way, because it's about to get worse for them. We found in our documents that the birthparents signed an agreement stating that if they fail to continue the adoption, that they would be asked to return the money that was paid to them. We know it's a long shot of ever seeing another dime, but if we were just the means to get more money for themselves and they never had any intention of placing the baby from the beginning, we aren't just going to roll over and play dead. We have friends that have adopted privately and they gave us the name of their attorney. It happens to be the same attorney that is already handling the paperwork with the agency. Bill called R and said that we see that it could be a possibility that we are all being scammed. R said I don't think that is the reality, but it's hard to know for sure one way or the other. Considering that G is constantly talking about the money makes that a difficult feeling to dismiss.
Some of the things that have happened have just not added up. Merely the fact that D had been in the hospital at least 3 times without even alerting the agency that she was going and would call again with details later is a huge red flag for us. Even the day of the birth, no one called the agency or us to say this is what has happened, they called way after the fact. I can't help but look back and think they never wanted us there to begin with or it would have been a priority conversation to work out a plan. I was so afraid to push in any way, that I was saying "OK" all the time. We asked R if she thought that the birthparents knew that really they are going to be asked to return the money if they choose to not do a placement. R said she could not say anything unless there is a definite "no placement" from the birthparents. Any other time could be interpreted as coersion, which we certainly understand. If this was all about the money, we asked if it would be out of line for someone else to mention it, and maybe that would help make a decision if it were in fact all about the money. We were told it was a possible strategy if that was the real issue and Bill said that we would probably mention it in the next day if it seemed like nothing else was working.
That evening, there was stilll no phone call from D or G. I was pretty upset from the events of the day and Bill agreed to leave them a message. The phone went straight to voicemail and Bill's message was very light-hearted. Basically he said that if they were still needing more time, to please let us know and we wanted to know how the baby was doing. All we asked for was a bite. We said that it was good that the phone was turned off, right? It meant that they were trying to talk without getting interrupted by outside influences. All we could hope was that they tell us something. Please just be honest with us, don't leave us hanging.
I can say that I slept much better Thursday night. I was over being emotional and was back to more rational thinking. I believe that the decision has probably been made already and that it was out of our hands. It is completely up to someone else.
Friday morning, R called and asked if we had heard anything from D. I said no, the last time we talked to her was almost 24 hours ago. We talked some more about why the money issue keeps coming up with G and as hard as it might be to accept, it might be the truth that it was all about the money all along. I could tell R was disappointed, but in the end, you never know what someone's true intentions are. I felt that I would be very naive to pretend that it could never be a financial issue. I told her that Bill was going to try and contact D again later. We intended to mention that they need to be prepared to review the contracts they signed. We were not going to threaten or get emotional in any way, we were simply going to state the facts. R told us that it does not appear that D or G has contacted another agency in the state.
Bill contacted the attorney's office about a statement in the contracts that we had found. The paralegal reviewed the file and informed us that G had already terminated all his rights to the baby months ago. These documents would hold up in court if ever challenged. She told Bill that D was the only party that needed to sign the consents. Bill asked about recouping the monies paid if they choose to parent the child and she gave it to us straight that it would be unlikely to see them pay it back because in most cases, they just don't care. We certainly understand that and we accept it. We have a very hard time seeing how financial problems are going to be made better unless they were holding off signing the papers in the hopes of getting more money or if they never had intentions of signing everything to begin with.
Bill called D's phone and we knew they weren't going to answer. At this point, they have not returned calls to us or R. He said we were calling to see how they were doing and how the visit to the NICU had gone. He asked them to please call us back and that we could talk about any concerns they still have. Bill was very polite, not threatening in any way and said it was only fair to tell them that they needed to review the agreements that they signed at the beginning of the match. If they choose to parent the baby, we completely respect that. We wanted them to be aware that they would be asked to return any living expenses to the agency that were paid to them and we didn't want it to come as a surprise.
We didn't threaten them or say "we're coming to get ya" in any way. Maybe it could be interpreted that way, but we have said our peace. We thought it was only fair to bring some reality to the situation. It was their choice to enter the agency. It was their choice to sign the agreements, just as it was our choice. However, all choices have consequences, good or bad. We decided that we have put our lives on hold for 3 days now and it was time to start moving forward. I called R and told her that we haven't heard anything from them, that we did leave another message, but that we just had the gut feeling that it was over. We understand there is still hope, but it is what it is. Who knows what will happen, especially when it is time for the baby to be released from the hospital. They told us that they were not prepared to bring her home with them, but it's hard to know what is real at times. I hate to think that I have read into things and thought that something was to be interpreted the way I wanted it to be.
We went out Friday night and made plans to meet up with friends at a wedding reception on Saturday night. We decided no more phone calls because if they wanted us to know something, they would have probably let us know by now. Life was resuming and we were going to deal with it. Our friends don't know what to say and they are afraid of upsetting us and we understand. It is OK to not have the perfect words. It is nice to be with people that care about us and encourage us to keep moving forward.
As I said, there has been no communication from D and G since Thursday morning. Last night (Saturday) I started thinking that I would contact them one last time and let them know that it was our last phone call unless they called someone. It seemed unfair to competely stop trying without any warning, although that seems like what has happened to us. I was going to reach out one last time and say my peace. At least I would know in my heart that I did everything I could and I would never wonder "what if". So I sat down this morning and I decided to write it down to make sure I got in everything that I wanted to say. I practiced and practiced because I kept crying and I knew they probably were not going to be able to understand me! Finally I dialed the phone and this is exactly what I said:
Hi D and G .... it's Jenn. I really had high hopes of speaking to one of you today. This is our last call, unless we hear something from you. We can only assume that by your silence, you have already made your decision. Otherwise, we believe that you would still be communicating with us or R to let us know that you need more time.D, we hope you are feeling much better now that it has almost been a week since your surgery. This journey has not been an easy one for you. We know G took very good care of you and he always will.It breaks my heart to think that I may never talk to either one of you again. I felt that we had developed a very strong bond and one that I hoped to nurture forever. We are not angry and we do not have any hard feelings - we know this is a decision that you and you alone have to make and there are no easy choices here. My offer still stands - that you can call us anytime about anything and we can just talk. If there is anything else we can work out, we need you to tell us. We think you are an amazing couple and we wish you both only the very best. We know that things always work out in the end as they should be. We know we will find our family some day. You will forever be in our hearts and our prayers.And with that, we feel that we have some closure. Yes, we are disappointed and we wish that we could be parents right now, not just in our hearts but on paper. However I firmly believe that this has made us stronger and if we are not meant to be this little girl's parents, then someone else is looking for us. We are more determined to be parents more than ever. In God's perfect timing, we will find the child is meant to be ours forever. I have peace.
