Saturday Night

We're "enjoying" a night at home... we skipped the hockey game and a Halloween party invite and we're watching game 3 of the World Series. Dinner last night was great! I have to laugh about the Rockies being in the play-offs because when we were in Denver at the beginning of September, everyone had pretty much written them off. The games were having low turn-out and the sports casters were saying that the only way that the Rockies would even reach the play-offs would be if they won every game for the rest of the season and other key teams would have to have a few losses. So not many people would have dreamed this would be happening!

It's a nervous night. It just is. Probably the weekends are a little more stressful because there is less going on than if we were at work because that is always a great distraction. We ran some errands today and it has been a typical fall afternoon, watching college football. We've had no news from H or her social worker so we're trying to live life as usual. But it is anything but.

We've been here before so we can't help but be nervous about getting some bad news. I feel horrible that I second-guess everything that H has told me. Our bad experience in the past is not her fault in any way. It's not fair to think that she has not been anything but honest with us. I think it's very normal to feel the way we do and we expected this, but it still stinks. My heart skips a beat everytime my phone rings. Is this the call that says "Come now!" or will it be our worst nightmare again - "Baby is here... but please stay where you are."?

I can tell Bill is on edge. I'm on edge. This is definitely a test in patience and it is a test of faith as well. Nothing about this is in our control, except the way we feel. I know for me, most of the anxiety comes from not talking to H myself in quite a few days. My anxiety is feeding Bill's. I left her messages on Thursday and Friday. Then her social worker called me yesterday after work and gave me an update and said that H was planning to call me that night. She didn't. I am so thankful that I have gotten some news and at least she is still talking to her social worker or I would probably be a total wreck today. I know that she is still nervous to talk to me, she has never called me herself. She is not a talkative person to begin with. I can imagine that it is possible that she doesn't want to talk to me. It's not a personal thing, but having to interact with me is another reminder of the difficult task that she has ahead of her. She has prepared herself the best that she can but she still knows that it is going to hurt like nothing she has ever experienced before.

I keep reminding myself that we will have plenty of time with her when we are with her and it will take time to develop a relationship if it is meant to be. She doesn't know us and we don't know her. I just hope that I haven't run her off already! It's a very fine line to walk between calling her to let her know that we are thinking about her and coming off as someone that is trying to annoy her. Wow, this never gets easier! I feel bad for "whining", this is what we have asked for, this is what we have prayed for. I am grateful for this day and where we are right now, so very close to being parents. This is part of the process, whether anyone likes it or not!

I have plenty of projects to do around the house, but I'm terribly unmotivated. LOL! Jon is coming over tomorrow. He is going to do a long ride while Bill does a 16 mile run. I am going over to see Katherine in the morning and we are going to put her wedding albums together.