My brother Jon won the AquaBike race! It was the same course as the triathlon, but he only competed in the swim and bike portion. The person that came in second place was at least 2 minutes slower, so it wasn't even close. Jon ended up getting two medals - one for winning his age group and one for overall winner. He was so excited!!
Bill had trouble on the swim and took much longer than he expected. He did great through the bike and the run. This was a great test run for Disney as Bill knows what he is going to focus on for the next few weeks. He is going to get many more open water swims in!
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Nothing new...
We've been officially waiting for over a week - our longest wait yet! LOL
Bill is still having a few days where he is having a rough time. It pops up on him unexpectedly and takes him by surprise. We talk about it. But in all, we're doing well and keeping busy.
Bill and my brother are doing a triathlon this weekend that they signed up for at the beginning of the week. Last minute. Can I say how THRILLED I am to know that we need to leave the house at 4am on Saturday morning???? This is nuts but I'm the race manager (hahahaha) so this is how it is! This will help them get ready for their big Disney race in September. Sleep will have to wait.
I am SOOOO looking forward to our vacation around Labor Day. I really haven't taken time off since January and in my job, that is not a good thing. In fact, one of my co-workers in another team passed away at work on Friday while going back up to his desk after lunch. Just collapsed on the stairs and like that, he was gone. We've worked together for 7 years... such a shame. So when I said, I'm taking time off for sure, everyone was happy to let me go. If we get a placement by the end of the year, I will deal with taking time off unpaid if I have to. It's better to take care of myself and my sanity.
Bill is still having a few days where he is having a rough time. It pops up on him unexpectedly and takes him by surprise. We talk about it. But in all, we're doing well and keeping busy.
Bill and my brother are doing a triathlon this weekend that they signed up for at the beginning of the week. Last minute. Can I say how THRILLED I am to know that we need to leave the house at 4am on Saturday morning???? This is nuts but I'm the race manager (hahahaha) so this is how it is! This will help them get ready for their big Disney race in September. Sleep will have to wait.
I am SOOOO looking forward to our vacation around Labor Day. I really haven't taken time off since January and in my job, that is not a good thing. In fact, one of my co-workers in another team passed away at work on Friday while going back up to his desk after lunch. Just collapsed on the stairs and like that, he was gone. We've worked together for 7 years... such a shame. So when I said, I'm taking time off for sure, everyone was happy to let me go. If we get a placement by the end of the year, I will deal with taking time off unpaid if I have to. It's better to take care of myself and my sanity.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Fridays Rule!!
It was great for us to be back in a normal routine again with work but thank goodness it is Friday! Looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow morning and just doing things around the house that need to be done. Nothing very crazy on the agenda but relaxing. Well maybe for me... Bill is in full swing on his triathlon training.
We're going on vacation! I'm very excited about it! We're off somewhere we have never been - Colorado! It's a good distraction right now to be planning a little get-away. Deciding on what to do when we get there is the hard part. Such problems, right?
One of my very good friends told me the other day that there can't be any peaks without valleys. That has stuck with me all week and worth repeating!
We're going on vacation! I'm very excited about it! We're off somewhere we have never been - Colorado! It's a good distraction right now to be planning a little get-away. Deciding on what to do when we get there is the hard part. Such problems, right?
One of my very good friends told me the other day that there can't be any peaks without valleys. That has stuck with me all week and worth repeating!
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
The Beat Goes On
I just had the post-mortem on our failed match and we got all the details on what money we're getting back and what money we may never see again. That's the crappy part. But on one hand, if we would have pursued any advanced infertility treatments (IVF specifically), we probably would have wasted so much more money in a single try and still be without a baby. It's bothering Bill much more than me. I think I've accepted it. I mean, what else can we do?
We talked about all the events that lead up to this point and tried to see the big picture. We both came to the conclusion that realistically, they probably changed their minds, or at least started to question their decision before the birth, and they don't want to have to say it and upset anyone. The other "issues" were probably just good things to place "blame" instead of having to be honest that they've had a change of heart. Really, we will probably never know.
As I have said, everything works out in the end. I have said my peace, I wished them well. There is nothing I would have done or said differently if I had to do this all over as I believe it was the right thing to do. With our next match, I will probably stay a little more guarded but every social worker said that we were the best adoptive parents and we shouldn't change a thing. If it's the right situation, God will be there to make it happen.
So we wait. Really, I hope we're waiting a little longer this time. Last time we were active for a week and a day when we got "The Call". Very outside the norm! The good thing is our profile has already gone out twice today and we were just put back on active status yesterday afternoon. Our social worker is going to send out a note to all her peeps that we're back on the market. And so life resumes and now I want to go on vacation!!!!
We talked about all the events that lead up to this point and tried to see the big picture. We both came to the conclusion that realistically, they probably changed their minds, or at least started to question their decision before the birth, and they don't want to have to say it and upset anyone. The other "issues" were probably just good things to place "blame" instead of having to be honest that they've had a change of heart. Really, we will probably never know.
As I have said, everything works out in the end. I have said my peace, I wished them well. There is nothing I would have done or said differently if I had to do this all over as I believe it was the right thing to do. With our next match, I will probably stay a little more guarded but every social worker said that we were the best adoptive parents and we shouldn't change a thing. If it's the right situation, God will be there to make it happen.
So we wait. Really, I hope we're waiting a little longer this time. Last time we were active for a week and a day when we got "The Call". Very outside the norm! The good thing is our profile has already gone out twice today and we were just put back on active status yesterday afternoon. Our social worker is going to send out a note to all her peeps that we're back on the market. And so life resumes and now I want to go on vacation!!!!
Monday, August 6, 2007
It's A New Journey!
It's been a long day here. Bill and I both went back to work as life is resuming as normal and getting back on a normal schedule is the best way to jump back in.
The agency just put us back into active status this afternoon and I'm very excited about it! It seems like a weird thing to be feeling after everything that has happened over the last few days, but I feel exactly the same as when we were first activated back in February. I have new hope and we're looking forward to the new journey ahead!!
We're praying for a much shorter match for next time! However, we'll take whatever we're given! We are pretty convinced that we'll get matched with a little boy next since we have a closet full of pink and purple girl clothes. Well not all of them are, and shopping is never a problem for us!
The agency just put us back into active status this afternoon and I'm very excited about it! It seems like a weird thing to be feeling after everything that has happened over the last few days, but I feel exactly the same as when we were first activated back in February. I have new hope and we're looking forward to the new journey ahead!!
We're praying for a much shorter match for next time! However, we'll take whatever we're given! We are pretty convinced that we'll get matched with a little boy next since we have a closet full of pink and purple girl clothes. Well not all of them are, and shopping is never a problem for us!
Sunday, August 5, 2007
The Full Story, Part II
Needless to say, Wednesday night was pretty sleepless. We had no idea what was going on or what the morning would bring. We were hopeful that we'd get the call that D and G signed all the papers and we would jump into the car and race to the hospital to be with our daughter. There was no way we could go to work, we were both blobs of anxiety and nervousness. I stayed in touch with my co-workers and said that we were still at home and I apologized for not being a helpful hand at work.
My mom called Thursday morning. That was not an expected part of the equation. She knows that I usually work at home on Tuesdays and Thursdays and she was checking in. I burst into tears and she knew immediately that something was wrong. Telling her that things with the adoption were going south was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. We had been on such an emotional rollercoaster, it was just not fair to bring them in before she had some answers one way or another. I promised to keep her informed as we knew something. Even if I didn't know anything, I was going to call her just so she would not be hanging on like we were, with no news. At least she would know that there was no news.
I knew that the social worker R was going to start calling D and G Thursday morning. Based on our call the previous night and knowing that they were feeling somewhat pressured, she said she was going to approach things differently. I called R to see where things stood and she said that she had left a message on their phone to please call her back. I thanked R for all her help and we knew that she was doing all that she was able to do. I told her that I don't envy her job one bit! I said that I will call and I left a message as well, if anything to let D know that we are here, thinking of them, and being as supportive as possible.
R called back not too long afterwards and told me she had spoken to D. They wanted more time. They did not want to make a decision. G's mom told them that they could come live with her, she would help them financially. Broke my heart. We know the history between G and his mom has not been a pretty one. We could not see how bringing a child into the mix was going to make it better.
D called me right before lunch. She asked how I was doing and I broke down. I told her that I was trying to be so strong for her and give her the support that she needed, but honestly I didn't understand what they were doing. I said I know that they are having a hard time financially and how can keeping the baby possibly help that situation for one second? I know they are trying to get a fresh start, or that is what we keep being told, so how does a new baby fit into that? I said we know you came to us with a problem and we thought we were your solution. She said they were very conflicted and they were getting pressure from their families. They are very afraid to make a decision that was going to result with someone being hurt. Unfortunately either decision is going to hurt someone. She said again that Greg was so angry about the financial problems that he was afraid that signing the baby away was going to just be too much to handle and he is afraid of being too sad.
I said that I was going to be completely straight with them. I know that what they are going through is so difficult and we cannot begin to imagine what it really feels like. I said I don't understand why this has become a money issue when there is a baby at stake. I said this is not about us or them anymore, there is a baby involved now and someone needs to step up and put her first. I said if they choose to parent her, that is their choice, and we respect that, but we hope they will be by her side as much as possible so she can get better. It's not fair to let her lay in the NICU alone, being changed and fed by nurses. She needs to bond with someone. I said if you want us to be there for her, then you know what you need to do. It's going to hurt no matter when you do it, but each day will get better. D got upset listening to how upset I was. I was speaking from the heart. She told me that they were going to go visit the baby that afternoon and she would call me back. I said I wished that I were there to give her lots of hugs because I know that is what she needs right now. We said good-bye and that was the last conversation I had with them.
I called R to let her know what happened on the call. I said I was pretty disappointed in myself because I cried and got very emotional. R said it was a good thing because we let her know that we are hurting too. At this point, I know that if they are getting pressure from the family, they will not be able to stand up to them. I didn't have high hopes knowing that they were getting other opinions thrown in their ear. This has never led down a good path in the past. R told me that she had to check out of the hotel by noon and it was clear to her that no decision was close to being made and she was going to head home. There was nothing else to do. The plan was to call her later that evening and maybe get a read one way or another what was going on.
We started looking into our documentation about what to do when a match fails. It just didn't seem things were going to work out. Bill started to get concerned about the money that we had paid for living expenses to them through the agency. If this was going to be a money issue, then it is very unfortunate that things had gone this way, because it's about to get worse for them. We found in our documents that the birthparents signed an agreement stating that if they fail to continue the adoption, that they would be asked to return the money that was paid to them. We know it's a long shot of ever seeing another dime, but if we were just the means to get more money for themselves and they never had any intention of placing the baby from the beginning, we aren't just going to roll over and play dead. We have friends that have adopted privately and they gave us the name of their attorney. It happens to be the same attorney that is already handling the paperwork with the agency. Bill called R and said that we see that it could be a possibility that we are all being scammed. R said I don't think that is the reality, but it's hard to know for sure one way or the other. Considering that G is constantly talking about the money makes that a difficult feeling to dismiss.
Some of the things that have happened have just not added up. Merely the fact that D had been in the hospital at least 3 times without even alerting the agency that she was going and would call again with details later is a huge red flag for us. Even the day of the birth, no one called the agency or us to say this is what has happened, they called way after the fact. I can't help but look back and think they never wanted us there to begin with or it would have been a priority conversation to work out a plan. I was so afraid to push in any way, that I was saying "OK" all the time. We asked R if she thought that the birthparents knew that really they are going to be asked to return the money if they choose to not do a placement. R said she could not say anything unless there is a definite "no placement" from the birthparents. Any other time could be interpreted as coersion, which we certainly understand. If this was all about the money, we asked if it would be out of line for someone else to mention it, and maybe that would help make a decision if it were in fact all about the money. We were told it was a possible strategy if that was the real issue and Bill said that we would probably mention it in the next day if it seemed like nothing else was working.
That evening, there was stilll no phone call from D or G. I was pretty upset from the events of the day and Bill agreed to leave them a message. The phone went straight to voicemail and Bill's message was very light-hearted. Basically he said that if they were still needing more time, to please let us know and we wanted to know how the baby was doing. All we asked for was a bite. We said that it was good that the phone was turned off, right? It meant that they were trying to talk without getting interrupted by outside influences. All we could hope was that they tell us something. Please just be honest with us, don't leave us hanging.
I can say that I slept much better Thursday night. I was over being emotional and was back to more rational thinking. I believe that the decision has probably been made already and that it was out of our hands. It is completely up to someone else.
Friday morning, R called and asked if we had heard anything from D. I said no, the last time we talked to her was almost 24 hours ago. We talked some more about why the money issue keeps coming up with G and as hard as it might be to accept, it might be the truth that it was all about the money all along. I could tell R was disappointed, but in the end, you never know what someone's true intentions are. I felt that I would be very naive to pretend that it could never be a financial issue. I told her that Bill was going to try and contact D again later. We intended to mention that they need to be prepared to review the contracts they signed. We were not going to threaten or get emotional in any way, we were simply going to state the facts. R told us that it does not appear that D or G has contacted another agency in the state.
Bill contacted the attorney's office about a statement in the contracts that we had found. The paralegal reviewed the file and informed us that G had already terminated all his rights to the baby months ago. These documents would hold up in court if ever challenged. She told Bill that D was the only party that needed to sign the consents. Bill asked about recouping the monies paid if they choose to parent the child and she gave it to us straight that it would be unlikely to see them pay it back because in most cases, they just don't care. We certainly understand that and we accept it. We have a very hard time seeing how financial problems are going to be made better unless they were holding off signing the papers in the hopes of getting more money or if they never had intentions of signing everything to begin with.
Bill called D's phone and we knew they weren't going to answer. At this point, they have not returned calls to us or R. He said we were calling to see how they were doing and how the visit to the NICU had gone. He asked them to please call us back and that we could talk about any concerns they still have. Bill was very polite, not threatening in any way and said it was only fair to tell them that they needed to review the agreements that they signed at the beginning of the match. If they choose to parent the baby, we completely respect that. We wanted them to be aware that they would be asked to return any living expenses to the agency that were paid to them and we didn't want it to come as a surprise.
We didn't threaten them or say "we're coming to get ya" in any way. Maybe it could be interpreted that way, but we have said our peace. We thought it was only fair to bring some reality to the situation. It was their choice to enter the agency. It was their choice to sign the agreements, just as it was our choice. However, all choices have consequences, good or bad. We decided that we have put our lives on hold for 3 days now and it was time to start moving forward. I called R and told her that we haven't heard anything from them, that we did leave another message, but that we just had the gut feeling that it was over. We understand there is still hope, but it is what it is. Who knows what will happen, especially when it is time for the baby to be released from the hospital. They told us that they were not prepared to bring her home with them, but it's hard to know what is real at times. I hate to think that I have read into things and thought that something was to be interpreted the way I wanted it to be.
We went out Friday night and made plans to meet up with friends at a wedding reception on Saturday night. We decided no more phone calls because if they wanted us to know something, they would have probably let us know by now. Life was resuming and we were going to deal with it. Our friends don't know what to say and they are afraid of upsetting us and we understand. It is OK to not have the perfect words. It is nice to be with people that care about us and encourage us to keep moving forward.
As I said, there has been no communication from D and G since Thursday morning. Last night (Saturday) I started thinking that I would contact them one last time and let them know that it was our last phone call unless they called someone. It seemed unfair to competely stop trying without any warning, although that seems like what has happened to us. I was going to reach out one last time and say my peace. At least I would know in my heart that I did everything I could and I would never wonder "what if". So I sat down this morning and I decided to write it down to make sure I got in everything that I wanted to say. I practiced and practiced because I kept crying and I knew they probably were not going to be able to understand me! Finally I dialed the phone and this is exactly what I said:
Hi D and G .... it's Jenn. I really had high hopes of speaking to one of you today. This is our last call, unless we hear something from you. We can only assume that by your silence, you have already made your decision. Otherwise, we believe that you would still be communicating with us or R to let us know that you need more time.
D, we hope you are feeling much better now that it has almost been a week since your surgery. This journey has not been an easy one for you. We know G took very good care of you and he always will.
It breaks my heart to think that I may never talk to either one of you again. I felt that we had developed a very strong bond and one that I hoped to nurture forever. We are not angry and we do not have any hard feelings - we know this is a decision that you and you alone have to make and there are no easy choices here. My offer still stands - that you can call us anytime about anything and we can just talk. If there is anything else we can work out, we need you to tell us. We think you are an amazing couple and we wish you both only the very best. We know that things always work out in the end as they should be. We know we will find our family some day. You will forever be in our hearts and our prayers.
And with that, we feel that we have some closure. Yes, we are disappointed and we wish that we could be parents right now, not just in our hearts but on paper. However I firmly believe that this has made us stronger and if we are not meant to be this little girl's parents, then someone else is looking for us. We are more determined to be parents more than ever. In God's perfect timing, we will find the child is meant to be ours forever. I have peace.
My mom called Thursday morning. That was not an expected part of the equation. She knows that I usually work at home on Tuesdays and Thursdays and she was checking in. I burst into tears and she knew immediately that something was wrong. Telling her that things with the adoption were going south was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. We had been on such an emotional rollercoaster, it was just not fair to bring them in before she had some answers one way or another. I promised to keep her informed as we knew something. Even if I didn't know anything, I was going to call her just so she would not be hanging on like we were, with no news. At least she would know that there was no news.
I knew that the social worker R was going to start calling D and G Thursday morning. Based on our call the previous night and knowing that they were feeling somewhat pressured, she said she was going to approach things differently. I called R to see where things stood and she said that she had left a message on their phone to please call her back. I thanked R for all her help and we knew that she was doing all that she was able to do. I told her that I don't envy her job one bit! I said that I will call and I left a message as well, if anything to let D know that we are here, thinking of them, and being as supportive as possible.
R called back not too long afterwards and told me she had spoken to D. They wanted more time. They did not want to make a decision. G's mom told them that they could come live with her, she would help them financially. Broke my heart. We know the history between G and his mom has not been a pretty one. We could not see how bringing a child into the mix was going to make it better.
D called me right before lunch. She asked how I was doing and I broke down. I told her that I was trying to be so strong for her and give her the support that she needed, but honestly I didn't understand what they were doing. I said I know that they are having a hard time financially and how can keeping the baby possibly help that situation for one second? I know they are trying to get a fresh start, or that is what we keep being told, so how does a new baby fit into that? I said we know you came to us with a problem and we thought we were your solution. She said they were very conflicted and they were getting pressure from their families. They are very afraid to make a decision that was going to result with someone being hurt. Unfortunately either decision is going to hurt someone. She said again that Greg was so angry about the financial problems that he was afraid that signing the baby away was going to just be too much to handle and he is afraid of being too sad.
I said that I was going to be completely straight with them. I know that what they are going through is so difficult and we cannot begin to imagine what it really feels like. I said I don't understand why this has become a money issue when there is a baby at stake. I said this is not about us or them anymore, there is a baby involved now and someone needs to step up and put her first. I said if they choose to parent her, that is their choice, and we respect that, but we hope they will be by her side as much as possible so she can get better. It's not fair to let her lay in the NICU alone, being changed and fed by nurses. She needs to bond with someone. I said if you want us to be there for her, then you know what you need to do. It's going to hurt no matter when you do it, but each day will get better. D got upset listening to how upset I was. I was speaking from the heart. She told me that they were going to go visit the baby that afternoon and she would call me back. I said I wished that I were there to give her lots of hugs because I know that is what she needs right now. We said good-bye and that was the last conversation I had with them.
I called R to let her know what happened on the call. I said I was pretty disappointed in myself because I cried and got very emotional. R said it was a good thing because we let her know that we are hurting too. At this point, I know that if they are getting pressure from the family, they will not be able to stand up to them. I didn't have high hopes knowing that they were getting other opinions thrown in their ear. This has never led down a good path in the past. R told me that she had to check out of the hotel by noon and it was clear to her that no decision was close to being made and she was going to head home. There was nothing else to do. The plan was to call her later that evening and maybe get a read one way or another what was going on.
We started looking into our documentation about what to do when a match fails. It just didn't seem things were going to work out. Bill started to get concerned about the money that we had paid for living expenses to them through the agency. If this was going to be a money issue, then it is very unfortunate that things had gone this way, because it's about to get worse for them. We found in our documents that the birthparents signed an agreement stating that if they fail to continue the adoption, that they would be asked to return the money that was paid to them. We know it's a long shot of ever seeing another dime, but if we were just the means to get more money for themselves and they never had any intention of placing the baby from the beginning, we aren't just going to roll over and play dead. We have friends that have adopted privately and they gave us the name of their attorney. It happens to be the same attorney that is already handling the paperwork with the agency. Bill called R and said that we see that it could be a possibility that we are all being scammed. R said I don't think that is the reality, but it's hard to know for sure one way or the other. Considering that G is constantly talking about the money makes that a difficult feeling to dismiss.
Some of the things that have happened have just not added up. Merely the fact that D had been in the hospital at least 3 times without even alerting the agency that she was going and would call again with details later is a huge red flag for us. Even the day of the birth, no one called the agency or us to say this is what has happened, they called way after the fact. I can't help but look back and think they never wanted us there to begin with or it would have been a priority conversation to work out a plan. I was so afraid to push in any way, that I was saying "OK" all the time. We asked R if she thought that the birthparents knew that really they are going to be asked to return the money if they choose to not do a placement. R said she could not say anything unless there is a definite "no placement" from the birthparents. Any other time could be interpreted as coersion, which we certainly understand. If this was all about the money, we asked if it would be out of line for someone else to mention it, and maybe that would help make a decision if it were in fact all about the money. We were told it was a possible strategy if that was the real issue and Bill said that we would probably mention it in the next day if it seemed like nothing else was working.
That evening, there was stilll no phone call from D or G. I was pretty upset from the events of the day and Bill agreed to leave them a message. The phone went straight to voicemail and Bill's message was very light-hearted. Basically he said that if they were still needing more time, to please let us know and we wanted to know how the baby was doing. All we asked for was a bite. We said that it was good that the phone was turned off, right? It meant that they were trying to talk without getting interrupted by outside influences. All we could hope was that they tell us something. Please just be honest with us, don't leave us hanging.
I can say that I slept much better Thursday night. I was over being emotional and was back to more rational thinking. I believe that the decision has probably been made already and that it was out of our hands. It is completely up to someone else.
Friday morning, R called and asked if we had heard anything from D. I said no, the last time we talked to her was almost 24 hours ago. We talked some more about why the money issue keeps coming up with G and as hard as it might be to accept, it might be the truth that it was all about the money all along. I could tell R was disappointed, but in the end, you never know what someone's true intentions are. I felt that I would be very naive to pretend that it could never be a financial issue. I told her that Bill was going to try and contact D again later. We intended to mention that they need to be prepared to review the contracts they signed. We were not going to threaten or get emotional in any way, we were simply going to state the facts. R told us that it does not appear that D or G has contacted another agency in the state.
Bill contacted the attorney's office about a statement in the contracts that we had found. The paralegal reviewed the file and informed us that G had already terminated all his rights to the baby months ago. These documents would hold up in court if ever challenged. She told Bill that D was the only party that needed to sign the consents. Bill asked about recouping the monies paid if they choose to parent the child and she gave it to us straight that it would be unlikely to see them pay it back because in most cases, they just don't care. We certainly understand that and we accept it. We have a very hard time seeing how financial problems are going to be made better unless they were holding off signing the papers in the hopes of getting more money or if they never had intentions of signing everything to begin with.
Bill called D's phone and we knew they weren't going to answer. At this point, they have not returned calls to us or R. He said we were calling to see how they were doing and how the visit to the NICU had gone. He asked them to please call us back and that we could talk about any concerns they still have. Bill was very polite, not threatening in any way and said it was only fair to tell them that they needed to review the agreements that they signed at the beginning of the match. If they choose to parent the baby, we completely respect that. We wanted them to be aware that they would be asked to return any living expenses to the agency that were paid to them and we didn't want it to come as a surprise.
We didn't threaten them or say "we're coming to get ya" in any way. Maybe it could be interpreted that way, but we have said our peace. We thought it was only fair to bring some reality to the situation. It was their choice to enter the agency. It was their choice to sign the agreements, just as it was our choice. However, all choices have consequences, good or bad. We decided that we have put our lives on hold for 3 days now and it was time to start moving forward. I called R and told her that we haven't heard anything from them, that we did leave another message, but that we just had the gut feeling that it was over. We understand there is still hope, but it is what it is. Who knows what will happen, especially when it is time for the baby to be released from the hospital. They told us that they were not prepared to bring her home with them, but it's hard to know what is real at times. I hate to think that I have read into things and thought that something was to be interpreted the way I wanted it to be.
We went out Friday night and made plans to meet up with friends at a wedding reception on Saturday night. We decided no more phone calls because if they wanted us to know something, they would have probably let us know by now. Life was resuming and we were going to deal with it. Our friends don't know what to say and they are afraid of upsetting us and we understand. It is OK to not have the perfect words. It is nice to be with people that care about us and encourage us to keep moving forward.
As I said, there has been no communication from D and G since Thursday morning. Last night (Saturday) I started thinking that I would contact them one last time and let them know that it was our last phone call unless they called someone. It seemed unfair to competely stop trying without any warning, although that seems like what has happened to us. I was going to reach out one last time and say my peace. At least I would know in my heart that I did everything I could and I would never wonder "what if". So I sat down this morning and I decided to write it down to make sure I got in everything that I wanted to say. I practiced and practiced because I kept crying and I knew they probably were not going to be able to understand me! Finally I dialed the phone and this is exactly what I said:
Hi D and G .... it's Jenn. I really had high hopes of speaking to one of you today. This is our last call, unless we hear something from you. We can only assume that by your silence, you have already made your decision. Otherwise, we believe that you would still be communicating with us or R to let us know that you need more time.
D, we hope you are feeling much better now that it has almost been a week since your surgery. This journey has not been an easy one for you. We know G took very good care of you and he always will.
It breaks my heart to think that I may never talk to either one of you again. I felt that we had developed a very strong bond and one that I hoped to nurture forever. We are not angry and we do not have any hard feelings - we know this is a decision that you and you alone have to make and there are no easy choices here. My offer still stands - that you can call us anytime about anything and we can just talk. If there is anything else we can work out, we need you to tell us. We think you are an amazing couple and we wish you both only the very best. We know that things always work out in the end as they should be. We know we will find our family some day. You will forever be in our hearts and our prayers.
And with that, we feel that we have some closure. Yes, we are disappointed and we wish that we could be parents right now, not just in our hearts but on paper. However I firmly believe that this has made us stronger and if we are not meant to be this little girl's parents, then someone else is looking for us. We are more determined to be parents more than ever. In God's perfect timing, we will find the child is meant to be ours forever. I have peace.
The Full Story, Part I
Here's the full story. It's pretty fresh in my mind so the details are still here, so better than never.
The last post I had here was from Wednesday, the 25th. D had called me to say that she had been in the hospital twice earlier that week. I was very concerned that she did not contact me nor her social worker "R" to at least say "G is taking me to the hospital, I do not feel well, I will contact you with more details soon." I thought maybe I was being too possessive and detail-oriented over this whole process since we were starting to get down to the wire. This didn't sit well with me at all but I didn't want it to get me down. On the phone that afternoon, when I mentioned that we needed to discuss when she wanted Bill and I to travel up there, she said she would think about it but that she had to go. Nothing was strange about that at all. I had high hopes of her calling me back to make a plan.
Friday, the 27th, I still had no phone calls from D. I was getting a little anxious. We were a little over a week away from when we thought we would travel and we were trying to make plans with work, a hotel, our pets, coordinating all sorts of things. At the end of the day, I left a very light message on her phone - "We're thinking of you and we'll have to talk next week! If I don't hear from you, I hope you have a great weekend!" I really tried to push my fears to the background.
Sunday, the 29th, I had posted a message to my FF group that I hadn't heard anything else from D since Wednesday but it was rare to hear from them over a weekend. I was sure I'd hear from them in the week.
Monday, the 30th, I posted this message to my FF group:
Hey guys... it was a pretty quiet weekend around here.
I've been slowly packing up all the stuff we need to take with us - the baby bag, mounds of papers, get the laptop loaded with our work access, cameras, everything!
We've been doing movies and dinners with all our friends while we are still "child-free". It's a nice distraction too! Cleaning the house a bunch helps as well.
At this point, we're planning on leaving Sunday (the 3rd) after my brother comes here to pick up our pets for the week. Maybe it will be sooner, but as far as I know, D hasn't been back in the hospital! We're hoping to be back on Thursday or Friday but we'll see.
I appreciate all the good thoughts! The 2 days in the hospital waiting for them to sign the rest of the papers will be the worst.
Tuesday, the 31st, I left this message for my FF group, admitting that I started having serious doubts of the outcome:
I'm not having a good day. I haven't talked to D since last Wednesday and the social worker left her a message yesterday too. She was supposed to call me back about when she wanted us to come see her. I'm so bummed. We don't know what to do and on one hand, there is nothing for us to do. We're preparing ourselves for the worst case scenario and I hate it.
I keep saying that if it isn't meant to be, then it's not. We'll get put back into the agency and we'll get our baby when the time is right. It's just a very strange period.
I really tried to think positively and hope for the best, but in this situation it is good to prepare that the outcome will not be as expected. Luckily, I was looking forward to a good distraction on Wednesday. The class that I am helping lead was going on a field trip to another one of our offices to learn more about the business/customer end of our products. My good friend Katherine picked me up early Wednesday morning as we decided that both of us did not need to drive downtown.
We found somewhere to park the car and we saw the building where we were meeting the class to start the tour at 9am. I got out of the car and my phone started ringing. It was the social worker, R. I was pretty relieved as I was going to call her that afternoon and say that I hadn't heard from D in a week and I'm at a loss what to do next. So I'm standing in the parking lot, behind Katherine's car, and R tells me that D is in the hospital. Not only that, but the baby was born too. It was a blur and I was trying to comprehend everything she was telling me. She said she knew the baby was around 5 pounds and she was currently on her way up north to get the full story. D had called R the previous evening, but she was pretty out of it, didn't want to upset us until she had a better handle of the situation knowing that we wouldn't have been able to sleep and that would not have benefitted anyone. R also told me that D conveyed that G was having second thoughts about the adoption. She did not sound concerned as she hoped it would all get straightened out as soon as she arrived at the hospital. They probably needed some guidance and reassurance and she would keep me posted.
I was in shock. Katherine figured out right away that something was going on but apparently I didn't have much to say on the phone. I was just taking it all in. Katherine said I was very calm. We checked in for our tour and then I stepped outside to call Bill. Told him everything that I could remember and that I would call him back with a status as I knew it. While waiting for our tour to begin, Bill called back and asked what we were doing with the pets. I could tell he was stressed. I said we have a plan for that and it will be taken care of. Then we went proceeded with the tour, which was a great distraction for me at the time.
After the tour, we took the class to lunch. Another perfect distraction. R called during our lunch and said that she made it to the hospital and that she had spent some time with D. She was having some pain management issues and it really sounded like the hospital was trying to discharge D that afternoon. The baby was being held in the NICU but she hadn't talked to any of the staff to get more details. R said that she was currently taking a break for lunch so D could rest and they knew that G was going to be at the hospital in the afternoon. As soon as she knew something more, she'd call back. She asked if it would be OK for D to call me if she needed to talk. I said of course, yes. Katherine and I finished up lunch with everyone and we drove back into the office.
A little before 3pm, D called me and asked if I could call back on the hospital phone so they both could talk to me. D answered and didn't exactly sound like herself. I could only imagine how stressed she was. At one point she started crying and asked if I could talk to G. Immediately I could tell the G was very worked up. He said the hospital staff was not being very nice to her, she was having problems with pain, no one was listening to them, the hospital was pushing D out of the hospital, the baby was 5 pounds, 11 ounces, 18 inches long, "she looks exactly like me and has brown curly hair", they asked R to step out so they could talk privately, they wanted to call me even though R said they shouldn't (I don't know why they had that impression, I know it wasn't true), he wasn't having any doubts, he was going to sign all the papers because they have been comfortable with Bill and I all along, and that he was trying to work out a financial issue with the agency. I did a lot of listening and tried to keep my calm, reassuring voice. He said that something had come to light in the last week and they felt that they were not getting the money that they were promised and if they knew then what they knew now, it might have had made a difference in their decision. I was very very lost and I said that I hoped he could get something worked out. He reassured me that he was going to sign the papers but again stressed that the money issue was a huge deal for them.
R called me an hour later and said that D was being discharged from the hospital. They were going to see the baby in the NICU and then go get the prescriptions filled and R was going to meet them at their apartment at 6:30pm to sign all the consents. I couldn't believe it! I told R about the conversation I had with G and that it seemed like there was a monetary issue that was holding up the show. R said as far as she was concerned, there was nothing that could be done and she didn't tell us about it because there was nothing we were going to be able to do about it. We were all pretty confident at this point that things were going to go through. I talked to another social worker about what we knew about the baby and I said that we were going to go home, pack up our stuff, get a good night's sleep, and head up in the morning. We wanted to see D and G and give them all the things that we had for them like the necklace we had purchased. Most of all we couldn't wait to hold our little girl! We were told that the more the baby had physical contact and nurturing, the faster she could get out of the NICU.
D called as she was leaving the hospital and said they were heading to the NICU to see the baby. We knew that G had visited her once and fed her in the NICU and that D would be seeing her for the first time. It was a good sign to us that they hadn't been spending a lot of time with her and bonding. She said R was coming over that night so they could sign the consents. I said that we were coming up in the morning and we'd love to stop by and visit with them when they were up for it. It was all very promising. I could tell she was tired and I said even though it seemed like she was being released a little too early, the good side is that is probably going to get much more rest at home without anyone coming in turning on the lights and waking her up. I called Bill to come pick me up from work. We were very excited!
When we got home, I started a load of laundry and finished packing all the baby supplies to put in the car. We took a breather and turned on the TV. We knew that the time was getting close and it was hard to believe that the waiting was coming to a close so much quicker than I thought. We decided that we were not going to alert our family about the events until we knew for sure that the papers were signed. It had been a crazy day for us, and we didn't want to drag more hearts into it yet. A little before 6pm, D called. She said they were at Walgreens trying to get her prescriptions filled and the pharmacy didn't have any record of them. G was freaking out, D was standing in the store, in pain, crying. She said G was having more doubts about the adoption and that she wanted to ask if we were willing to let them still see the baby after placement for birthdays and maybe that would make a difference. D was sure that adoption was still the way to go but she couldn't do anything without G on board. I assured her that we want to maintain contact with them and that the pharmacy would work everything out in a few minutes. D asked if they could have another 24 hours to think. As much as it pained me to do so, I said that we will give them the time and space they need without hesitation. I said I knew that they both needed some rest and after a good night's sleep they would feel much better.
That phone call was so disappointing. I couldn't believe how close we had come and now it felt like it was slipping away. I had faith that they needed some time and space and certainly good rest since they had been in the hospital since at least Sunday night. I called R and told her that they were still at Walgreens, G was having a meltdown, and D asked us for 24 more hours. She sounded pretty disappointed, as much as we were I'm sure. R called me again about half an hour later and said that she was staying in a hotel for the night and she hoped things would be better in the morning. She said she was going to start calling D around 8am and hopefully G would be in a much better mood. We were told to stay put and wait it out. We continued with our packing and we knew it was going to be a very, very long night.
At 9pm, G called. Again, I did a lot of listening, not a lot of talking. G was going on and on about the money issue with the agency. He said it probably would have changed their original decision because they are so strapped financially and this "shortage" hurts them a lot. They made plans to pay off a lot of their debt that they owed. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This doesn't make any sense to me. G said that he was very upset that some of their expenses were not going to be reimbursed. OK, I can understand that. However, I fail to understand how keeping the baby is going to help with their financial problems. After several more minutes of talking how this was hurting them financially, he said that they were feeling pressured by R to sign the consents. I really don't think this is the case and R has been very careful all day to do what needs to be done. I said R was not trying to pressure them and I apologize if they have felt that way and we understand that they have been through a very traumatic experience. G was really wound up, I was surprised they both had not collapsed from exhaustion yet. All rational thinking and logical reasoning had gone out the window. He handed the phone to D. She sounded so tired. I told her that she needs to get a good night's sleep and each day will get better. She said she would call me in the morning. I told her that I knew R was going to call her in the morning but if she needed anything, she needed to call me. I didn't care what time it was or what it was about. She said thank you for being so amazing. I said we think they are amazing and I said that I hoped to be with them soon so I could give them lots of hugs.
After all that, I called R. She definitely needed to know how D and especially G was feeling. She appreciated to know that they thought they were being pressured and it was going to help with how she was going to contact them in the morning. We both thought after a good night's sleep, everything would be a little more clear and hopefully they would be on board and sign the consents. Bill and I didn't know what to do. We turned on the TV and tried to distract ourselves. It was going to be a long, long night of worry and anticipation.
That was Wednesday in a nutshell... I will write part II shortly. I'm glad I did this... it will be helpful for someone. Maybe just me.
The last post I had here was from Wednesday, the 25th. D had called me to say that she had been in the hospital twice earlier that week. I was very concerned that she did not contact me nor her social worker "R" to at least say "G is taking me to the hospital, I do not feel well, I will contact you with more details soon." I thought maybe I was being too possessive and detail-oriented over this whole process since we were starting to get down to the wire. This didn't sit well with me at all but I didn't want it to get me down. On the phone that afternoon, when I mentioned that we needed to discuss when she wanted Bill and I to travel up there, she said she would think about it but that she had to go. Nothing was strange about that at all. I had high hopes of her calling me back to make a plan.
Friday, the 27th, I still had no phone calls from D. I was getting a little anxious. We were a little over a week away from when we thought we would travel and we were trying to make plans with work, a hotel, our pets, coordinating all sorts of things. At the end of the day, I left a very light message on her phone - "We're thinking of you and we'll have to talk next week! If I don't hear from you, I hope you have a great weekend!" I really tried to push my fears to the background.
Sunday, the 29th, I had posted a message to my FF group that I hadn't heard anything else from D since Wednesday but it was rare to hear from them over a weekend. I was sure I'd hear from them in the week.
Monday, the 30th, I posted this message to my FF group:
Hey guys... it was a pretty quiet weekend around here.
I've been slowly packing up all the stuff we need to take with us - the baby bag, mounds of papers, get the laptop loaded with our work access, cameras, everything!
We've been doing movies and dinners with all our friends while we are still "child-free". It's a nice distraction too! Cleaning the house a bunch helps as well.
At this point, we're planning on leaving Sunday (the 3rd) after my brother comes here to pick up our pets for the week. Maybe it will be sooner, but as far as I know, D hasn't been back in the hospital! We're hoping to be back on Thursday or Friday but we'll see.
I appreciate all the good thoughts! The 2 days in the hospital waiting for them to sign the rest of the papers will be the worst.
Tuesday, the 31st, I left this message for my FF group, admitting that I started having serious doubts of the outcome:
I'm not having a good day. I haven't talked to D since last Wednesday and the social worker left her a message yesterday too. She was supposed to call me back about when she wanted us to come see her. I'm so bummed. We don't know what to do and on one hand, there is nothing for us to do. We're preparing ourselves for the worst case scenario and I hate it.
I keep saying that if it isn't meant to be, then it's not. We'll get put back into the agency and we'll get our baby when the time is right. It's just a very strange period.
I really tried to think positively and hope for the best, but in this situation it is good to prepare that the outcome will not be as expected. Luckily, I was looking forward to a good distraction on Wednesday. The class that I am helping lead was going on a field trip to another one of our offices to learn more about the business/customer end of our products. My good friend Katherine picked me up early Wednesday morning as we decided that both of us did not need to drive downtown.
We found somewhere to park the car and we saw the building where we were meeting the class to start the tour at 9am. I got out of the car and my phone started ringing. It was the social worker, R. I was pretty relieved as I was going to call her that afternoon and say that I hadn't heard from D in a week and I'm at a loss what to do next. So I'm standing in the parking lot, behind Katherine's car, and R tells me that D is in the hospital. Not only that, but the baby was born too. It was a blur and I was trying to comprehend everything she was telling me. She said she knew the baby was around 5 pounds and she was currently on her way up north to get the full story. D had called R the previous evening, but she was pretty out of it, didn't want to upset us until she had a better handle of the situation knowing that we wouldn't have been able to sleep and that would not have benefitted anyone. R also told me that D conveyed that G was having second thoughts about the adoption. She did not sound concerned as she hoped it would all get straightened out as soon as she arrived at the hospital. They probably needed some guidance and reassurance and she would keep me posted.
I was in shock. Katherine figured out right away that something was going on but apparently I didn't have much to say on the phone. I was just taking it all in. Katherine said I was very calm. We checked in for our tour and then I stepped outside to call Bill. Told him everything that I could remember and that I would call him back with a status as I knew it. While waiting for our tour to begin, Bill called back and asked what we were doing with the pets. I could tell he was stressed. I said we have a plan for that and it will be taken care of. Then we went proceeded with the tour, which was a great distraction for me at the time.
After the tour, we took the class to lunch. Another perfect distraction. R called during our lunch and said that she made it to the hospital and that she had spent some time with D. She was having some pain management issues and it really sounded like the hospital was trying to discharge D that afternoon. The baby was being held in the NICU but she hadn't talked to any of the staff to get more details. R said that she was currently taking a break for lunch so D could rest and they knew that G was going to be at the hospital in the afternoon. As soon as she knew something more, she'd call back. She asked if it would be OK for D to call me if she needed to talk. I said of course, yes. Katherine and I finished up lunch with everyone and we drove back into the office.
A little before 3pm, D called me and asked if I could call back on the hospital phone so they both could talk to me. D answered and didn't exactly sound like herself. I could only imagine how stressed she was. At one point she started crying and asked if I could talk to G. Immediately I could tell the G was very worked up. He said the hospital staff was not being very nice to her, she was having problems with pain, no one was listening to them, the hospital was pushing D out of the hospital, the baby was 5 pounds, 11 ounces, 18 inches long, "she looks exactly like me and has brown curly hair", they asked R to step out so they could talk privately, they wanted to call me even though R said they shouldn't (I don't know why they had that impression, I know it wasn't true), he wasn't having any doubts, he was going to sign all the papers because they have been comfortable with Bill and I all along, and that he was trying to work out a financial issue with the agency. I did a lot of listening and tried to keep my calm, reassuring voice. He said that something had come to light in the last week and they felt that they were not getting the money that they were promised and if they knew then what they knew now, it might have had made a difference in their decision. I was very very lost and I said that I hoped he could get something worked out. He reassured me that he was going to sign the papers but again stressed that the money issue was a huge deal for them.
R called me an hour later and said that D was being discharged from the hospital. They were going to see the baby in the NICU and then go get the prescriptions filled and R was going to meet them at their apartment at 6:30pm to sign all the consents. I couldn't believe it! I told R about the conversation I had with G and that it seemed like there was a monetary issue that was holding up the show. R said as far as she was concerned, there was nothing that could be done and she didn't tell us about it because there was nothing we were going to be able to do about it. We were all pretty confident at this point that things were going to go through. I talked to another social worker about what we knew about the baby and I said that we were going to go home, pack up our stuff, get a good night's sleep, and head up in the morning. We wanted to see D and G and give them all the things that we had for them like the necklace we had purchased. Most of all we couldn't wait to hold our little girl! We were told that the more the baby had physical contact and nurturing, the faster she could get out of the NICU.
D called as she was leaving the hospital and said they were heading to the NICU to see the baby. We knew that G had visited her once and fed her in the NICU and that D would be seeing her for the first time. It was a good sign to us that they hadn't been spending a lot of time with her and bonding. She said R was coming over that night so they could sign the consents. I said that we were coming up in the morning and we'd love to stop by and visit with them when they were up for it. It was all very promising. I could tell she was tired and I said even though it seemed like she was being released a little too early, the good side is that is probably going to get much more rest at home without anyone coming in turning on the lights and waking her up. I called Bill to come pick me up from work. We were very excited!
When we got home, I started a load of laundry and finished packing all the baby supplies to put in the car. We took a breather and turned on the TV. We knew that the time was getting close and it was hard to believe that the waiting was coming to a close so much quicker than I thought. We decided that we were not going to alert our family about the events until we knew for sure that the papers were signed. It had been a crazy day for us, and we didn't want to drag more hearts into it yet. A little before 6pm, D called. She said they were at Walgreens trying to get her prescriptions filled and the pharmacy didn't have any record of them. G was freaking out, D was standing in the store, in pain, crying. She said G was having more doubts about the adoption and that she wanted to ask if we were willing to let them still see the baby after placement for birthdays and maybe that would make a difference. D was sure that adoption was still the way to go but she couldn't do anything without G on board. I assured her that we want to maintain contact with them and that the pharmacy would work everything out in a few minutes. D asked if they could have another 24 hours to think. As much as it pained me to do so, I said that we will give them the time and space they need without hesitation. I said I knew that they both needed some rest and after a good night's sleep they would feel much better.
That phone call was so disappointing. I couldn't believe how close we had come and now it felt like it was slipping away. I had faith that they needed some time and space and certainly good rest since they had been in the hospital since at least Sunday night. I called R and told her that they were still at Walgreens, G was having a meltdown, and D asked us for 24 more hours. She sounded pretty disappointed, as much as we were I'm sure. R called me again about half an hour later and said that she was staying in a hotel for the night and she hoped things would be better in the morning. She said she was going to start calling D around 8am and hopefully G would be in a much better mood. We were told to stay put and wait it out. We continued with our packing and we knew it was going to be a very, very long night.
At 9pm, G called. Again, I did a lot of listening, not a lot of talking. G was going on and on about the money issue with the agency. He said it probably would have changed their original decision because they are so strapped financially and this "shortage" hurts them a lot. They made plans to pay off a lot of their debt that they owed. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This doesn't make any sense to me. G said that he was very upset that some of their expenses were not going to be reimbursed. OK, I can understand that. However, I fail to understand how keeping the baby is going to help with their financial problems. After several more minutes of talking how this was hurting them financially, he said that they were feeling pressured by R to sign the consents. I really don't think this is the case and R has been very careful all day to do what needs to be done. I said R was not trying to pressure them and I apologize if they have felt that way and we understand that they have been through a very traumatic experience. G was really wound up, I was surprised they both had not collapsed from exhaustion yet. All rational thinking and logical reasoning had gone out the window. He handed the phone to D. She sounded so tired. I told her that she needs to get a good night's sleep and each day will get better. She said she would call me in the morning. I told her that I knew R was going to call her in the morning but if she needed anything, she needed to call me. I didn't care what time it was or what it was about. She said thank you for being so amazing. I said we think they are amazing and I said that I hoped to be with them soon so I could give them lots of hugs.
After all that, I called R. She definitely needed to know how D and especially G was feeling. She appreciated to know that they thought they were being pressured and it was going to help with how she was going to contact them in the morning. We both thought after a good night's sleep, everything would be a little more clear and hopefully they would be on board and sign the consents. Bill and I didn't know what to do. We turned on the TV and tried to distract ourselves. It was going to be a long, long night of worry and anticipation.
That was Wednesday in a nutshell... I will write part II shortly. I'm glad I did this... it will be helpful for someone. Maybe just me.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Update
I truly apolgize to everyone that has been checking here hoping for an update. It has not been pleasant around here and the last part of this week has been painful at times.
We are not traveling tomorrow to get settled in our hotel. We will not be at the hospital on Monday morning waiting for the c-section.
Wednesday morning, just before 9am, I got a call from the social worker. She said D was in the hospital. Then she told us that she delivered the baby early Monday morning. She was on her way up to the hospital and still had high hopes that the birth parents would sign the consents and we would be parents.
As of tonight, they have still not signed the consents. We do not expect them to. We have not heard any word from them since Thursday morning and neither has the social workers or agency. I will eventually write the entire experience as I know it will be beneficial for me to do so. No one saw the last few days coming or how it would turn out. Someone can benefit from our story, I know. I'm just not able to do so right now.
Stats on the baby.... she was born via emergency c-section on 7/30 at 2:50am. 5 pounds, 11 ounces, 18 inches long. As far as we are aware, she is still in the NICU. Please pray for her.
We are not traveling tomorrow to get settled in our hotel. We will not be at the hospital on Monday morning waiting for the c-section.
Wednesday morning, just before 9am, I got a call from the social worker. She said D was in the hospital. Then she told us that she delivered the baby early Monday morning. She was on her way up to the hospital and still had high hopes that the birth parents would sign the consents and we would be parents.
As of tonight, they have still not signed the consents. We do not expect them to. We have not heard any word from them since Thursday morning and neither has the social workers or agency. I will eventually write the entire experience as I know it will be beneficial for me to do so. No one saw the last few days coming or how it would turn out. Someone can benefit from our story, I know. I'm just not able to do so right now.
Stats on the baby.... she was born via emergency c-section on 7/30 at 2:50am. 5 pounds, 11 ounces, 18 inches long. As far as we are aware, she is still in the NICU. Please pray for her.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
