It's All About Me!

This is what I told my acupuncturist yesterday at our session. I am taking my life back - starting now!!

As our TTC journey is winding down, I am going to be more selfish. I am going to drink wine with dinner and enjoy coffee in the morning. I am going to eat cold cut sandwiches with slices of cheese. I am going to take medicine when I have a headache or don't feel well. I am going to loose some serious weight. I am going to let the water in the bath tub get a little hotter. On our cruise in January, I'm even going to get IN the hot tub and I'm going to be sipping cocktails in the Caribbean while I'm soaking! All of these things I did not do for years while trying to get pregnant. Well I want it all back.

I'm not going to feel guilty about getting my hair colored. I won't worry about scheduling trips on the slight chance that I might be pregnant. I'm not going to beat myself up about missing a night of taking my vitamins. I won't worry about how to train myself to sleep on my left side because it is better for the baby. I can slather on body lotion and not care so much what chemicals I am putting on my body (well, this is still a big point with me so I will probably still care).

I'm sure some people would call all of this obessive and maybe it was. I really thought I was doing the best thing possible. I once had a friend that told me that obsession is "what the uncommited and weak refuse to do". Pretty true if you ask me.

So yesterday at my acupuncture session, all fertility treatments went out the window. I got to keep all my clothes on! We focused on my weight loss and emotional eating. I told S that it's all about me and she laughed, but she is very proud of me. She has been with me through this long and emotional journey. At one point, S told me that she was very sad that I had not achieved my goal become pregnant. I said my goal is not be pregnant, but to have a family. Maybe we are going to need some outside help to have that dream come true. Who knows what will happen down the road - that is not for us to know.

I have been walking every night, this is my new habit I'm trying to establish. The dog is going with me if she likes it or not. She gets very excited when I ask her if she wants to go "walking" but then hangs her head when I put on her harness. I'm sure she'd like to walk free, and she does a good job of it because she listens, but I don't want her to get hurt. I guess she'll get used to it if she wants to go with me!